Monday, October 17, 2011

Back In Black

So, it's been, what, nearly a month since I was last well enough to go to the gym and attempt a workout? Well, not that I'm well, exactly, but I went anyway out of sheer frustration and impatience.

Over the weekend I had some ... er ... bathroom incidents that gave me the impression that whatever has made me sick is not entirely cleared up yet. I nearly crapped in the floor of WalMart. It was OK, though. I was in the toilet-related aisle, where they keep the plungers, etc.

Walmart even has vampires
Last Thursday, just out of frustration at not being able to get to the gym for the past 3 weeks or so, I did some push ups and chin ups and tricep extensions using my own personal dumbbells while watching TV. The push ups were OK. The tricep extensions I rocked. The chin ups were an embarrassment. I haven't done a chin up in about 2 years. I think my body forgot how and was hoping I wouldn't ever try to remember. I'm not one to be so easily put off, though, so I pulled up a chair and forced out several sets of negatives. And they hurt like hell.

Today in bodypump class apparently I had been gone for so long that everyone forgot my face. People looked at me like a stranger when I walked in. And I got stuck in a spot between several female fitness fanatics who made me look like a quadriplegic in comparison to them. As if that wasn't bad enough, a woman showed up late and just basically climbed up my ass and started working out right behind me. Seriously, when the classroom is full, go lift some free weights or something. Don't give me an enema just because you can't find a spot to set up your stuff. Either that or warn me that you're going to give me an enema and I'll let you have my spot and I'll go lift free weights. I need to anyway. It's been over 6 months since I was doing any heavy lifting and that is way too long.

Sagging push up
I was total crap today. I did OK with the squats until my knee started complaining. I was great with the overhead presses. I even did OK with the weighted lunge/overhead press combos. But by the time we got to the push ups and abs I was collapsing in the middle. I almost need a little jack to put under my stomach to hold it up while I'm doing my push ups. I think it would help.

My knee bothered me enough that at one point the instructor looked over at me and said those horrible words that no one wants to hear directed at them, "are you all right?"

"Yes," I nodded and kept rubbing my knee and wishing everyone would quit looking at me.

Show off!
The woman to my left was cranking out push ups like she was in the marines. And her ab work was like something from one of those TV fitness commercials where everyone looks perfect and never gets tired. If I weren't so afraid of sharting I might've been tempted to release a fart in her direction just to slow her down. But as I have been a human butt rocket for the past month or so, I thought better of it. No farting for me for awhile.

I was informed this past weekend that milk is not good for you because it contains an insane amount of sugar in the form of lactose. I have to be honest, I didn't know that lactose was sugar. And I also don't know if the lactose form of sugar is the same as any other sugar and affects you the same way. Do any of you know much about this? I'd really like to know because I drink a lot of milk. Do I need to stop?

How can this be bad for me?


  1. Milk is a no-no when it comes to trying to lose weight, AND it isn't good for your stomach, either.

    Have you thought you may be lactose intolerant? This could very well be the cause of all your stomach problems.
    Perhaps do a simple elimination diet for a week or so, and cut out milk altogether, and see if your tummy problems go away.

  2. Milk in combo with gym workouts can only be a good thing, right?

    If you thought you had scary females in your gym, ours has a pro female bodybuilder who, I think, has a thing for yours truly.

  3. Ute, I had no idea that milk was off limits while trying to lose weight. I shall make a note of that and begin mixing my protein powder in water (yuck!) I have wondered if I am somewhat lactose intolerant. I'm trying to minimize the amount of milk in my diet already and I'll be curious to see if I poop and weigh less soon. I sure hope so.

    Movies, I don't know if it can or not. I've been struggling and it has made me wonder because I have not gotten any closer to any of my goals. The females in my gym aren't so much scary as just insanely into the workouts. They've all got those body-hugging super spandex pants and tops like I see in the TV commercials and they all seem to be training for some pro sport or other. Then again, a lot of them are stay-at-home wives, so they can do that, whereas I have to go back to work and deal with crap all afternoon following my workouts.

  4. Sharting tee hee hee. Not so funny for you, ya poor bugger.

    Maybe you've developed a lactose intolerance??? I didn't know lactose was sugar either (just wiki'd it).

    either way, with the upset gurgly gut's you've had for a while I'd be demanding some answers from my DR.

  5. AlleyCat, I have been to doctors and had more tests done than any man should have to endure, but they never come up with anything. It is super frustrating.