Friday, April 29, 2011

Everyone Knows It's Windy

We've had multiple massive tornadoes come ripping through here recently, destroying everything in their paths, killing hundreds of people, pummeling us with phenomenal amounts of rain, and severing power from a nuclear power plant that supplies electricity to most of the northern half of the state.

So, here are a few things you discover when you totally lose power for several days:

1) reading by candlelight is not all that its cracked up to be and you frequently fall asleep.

2) it's a good thing the tornado brought a cold front with it because there is no air conditioning or fans

3) your modern new digital telephone won't work. Anyone around here still pay for a landline and have an old-fashioned analog phone? Those phones still work just fine. I always hated this digital crap and this just reinforces that view.

4) your cell phone will work as long as the cell towers haven't all been flattened by the tornado, but once your battery is dead, unless you've got a solar battery charger you are screwed.

5) thank God we have a gas-powered water heater!

6) why the hell didn't we get a gas stove instead of electric?

7) all meat products in the refrigerator go bad after several hours of no electricity.

8) a big, frozen chicken from the freezer helps keep the refrigerator cool for a long time.

9) thank God we have a gas-powered generator!

10) where are we going to buy gas when there is no electricity to power the gas pumps?!

11) going back to the 'good old days' sucks

12) rechargeable batteries coupled with a big solar battery charger can be a God-send. As soon as this is over I'm going to get one.

13) propane-powered camping stoves are a great thing to have when the power is out. As soon as this is over I'm going to get one.

14) there is a ton of cool stuff that can be powered by propane. As soon as this is over I'm stocking up on that stuff.

15) Water treatment plants require electricity, too, so keeping stockpiles of bottled water can literally be a lifesaver when your city is without electricity for several days.

16) this is super boring.

17) every intersection becomes a 4-way-stop when there is no electricity for the traffic signals. This makes driving to almost any destination take much, much longer.

18) battery powered radios or even little portable battery powered TVs are a great thing to have for an emergency. See #12

19) board games are great ways to pass the time, unless you are completely alone during the long, long power outage like I am. If alone, a deck of cards and solitaire is your best bet. That, a guitar, a stack of magazines I somehow didn't find interesting enough to read before, and long walks are about all there is to do. Just don't get too sweaty. Gotta conserve water, remember? Showers use tons of water.

20) It can be extremely challenging finding something to eat when the lack of electricity has ruined all your meat, milk and eggs and your stove is electric, too. Peanut butter and jelly or tuna is about all you're left with. For days and days.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Friday, April 22, 2011

Orgasm ... er ... Organizing

I met an attractive female friend after work for a few drinks. We've known of each other since high school, but didn't actually meet until years later. My girlfriend at the time was good friends with her and always made sure we never got to meet. Turns out, if we had met we might have dated. Ah well, there's no going back. These days we're just friends.

As I was driving home I got a call from TruGreen, my lawn service, telling me my account is in arrears and they are considering sending my account to a collection agency. I exploded on them. I am NOT behind in my payments. I have paid them TWICE and if they can't get their shit together and record my payments then maybe we don't need to do business together in the future. Well, they didn't like that. We'll talk more tomorrow, I guarantee. I am PISSED OFF.

When I got home, instead of watching TV liked I'd planned, somehow I've ended up organizing my crap. I've been straightening my DVDs and putting them into a sort of logical order. I've taken stacks of magazines off my desk and hauled them down the hallway to the den where I put them on a bookshelf. I've thrown a bunch of garbage away that I'd been keeping for reasons that even I don't understand. I've shuffled my books around into an order that really makes no sense to me, but I don't feel like reordering them just now. And after all that work, I'm now looking at a huge pile of shit on my bed, in my chair, and just as much crap piled on my desk as before, only now some of it is more organized than before. Where did all the new shit come from?? I swear, there seems to be more junk here now than when I started. WTF??

Wednesday, April 20, 2011


Man, the humidity this morning is just KILLING me. I had to talk to a man down in an area where a lot of electronics are open and partially disassembled. I was dripping sweat just standing there and trying not to drip on any of the exposed electronics. They don't like water and especially not salty water.

This humidity seems to be making my knees hurt, too, which is weird.

I just had a shower, but I already feel like I need another one. Ugh

Monday, April 18, 2011

I'm Alive!

It's Monday and I have survived the storms that killed approximately 10 people, the floods that came with them, and the bad driving of small-town rednecks deep in the heart of Alabama and big city jerk-offs in Atlanta. It's truly a miracle and I can't help but wonder at why God wants to keep my alive so badly.

Over the weekend I totally ignored the news, TV in general, the internet, email, and all things stressful and/or informative. Well, traffic was stressful, but aside from that, I avoided things that I didn't want to be bothered with, like speeches by politicians and crap like that.

Today we are returning to the heavily pollinated, sticky humidity that we call normal here in The South. Yay, so excited.

I totally see a dragon in those vines

Friday, April 15, 2011

Stormy Weather

Stormy Weather

Massive storms are ripping through this area. According to the news 2 people have been killed and 7 hurt already. So naturally I am going out in this to meet a friend for lunch at the mall. Yes, I am a genius and this is what geniuses do.

Stormy Daniels

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Kobe Bryant and friends

The pro-gay news media is all a-flutter about Kobe Bryant. Apparently he called a referee a "fucking faggot" during a game. The NBA, ever the bastion of political correctness, immediately fined him $100,000 for saying "faggot", along with making a lot of flowery speeches about not tolerating such evil. Apparently they had no problem with him saying "fucking" on live TV though. I mean, who could be offended by that, right?

Meanwhile, I still remember when Dennis Rodman collided with a cameraman beside the court. Dennis responded to his collision, oddly enough, by sexually assaulting the cameraman in a blatant attempt to crush the man's testicles. The NBA did NOTHING and said not one word about not being intolerant of sexual violence and abuse by its players. Sexual assault? No problem! Faggot? We'll fine you $100,000, you fucker! 

Shut down the government until we can determine if Barry used steroids

Meanwhile, our Congress and then our court system spent millions to investigate whether or not Barry Bonds, a pro baseball player, ever used steroids and lied about it. Yes, because this is so very important. We have no oil for our cars (Obama stopped all drilling), no coal to heat our homes (Obama shut down the mines), a war in Libya no one understands (Obama invaded), a trillion dollar deficit that is going to bankrupt the entire nation (Obama paid off his cronies big-time), but what really matters most is whether or not our athletes are using performance enhancing drugs and lying about it, you know, like politicians do. Yep.

Bipolar Catherine

The rest of our news media, those not totally focused on gay politics and Kobe Bryant or news that isn't news like whether or not Barry Bonds used steroids that shrank his testicles, are all excited about the news that Catherine Zeta-Jones is bipolar. They are speculating that she won't be able to appear in the next 2 movies she's contracted to act in. Yes, because she's CRAZY. As if a zillion people in America alone aren't bipolar, too, and going to work every single day just like the rest of us. Hell, the US Congress alone is probably over half bipolar, with the other half addicted to drugs.


Speaking of people who are addicted to drugs, Charlie Sheen has begun a rumor that he may be returning to the show "2 1/2 Men" soon. Actually, the rumor started before he mentioned it. Word in the Press is that Les Moonvies, head of CBS television, told the production company responsible for the show to do whatever they have to, work out their problems, and get him back. No one knows whether there is any truth to this, but knowing Charlie Sheen's luck, it probably is true. His life is the epitome of the proverbial Lucky Man. And then at the opposite end of the spectrum is my life.

I Hate Computers

Today, while struggling to get my hopelessly outdated piece of crap computer to do what I ask, I had the added joy of Yahoo totally locking me out of my account. Having been locked out of my account, I further discovered that there is almost no way to contact Yahoo about being locked out of your account or having it hacked because they won't let you talk to them until you are logged into your account. I was forced to create a new, totally bogus account just to reach them. And then they simply responded that they can't reset my password or tell me what my password is or in any way do anything that might be construed as helpful.

So, in short, fuck Yahoo and fuck my life.


My Life
Well, it's a new day and I'm so excited. Mostly because of the overdose of caffeine in my veins, not so much because of anything good going on in my life. But that's normal. Every day is a new day, and all of mine suck. If you enjoy the failures of others, you should love my blog. Just sayin'.