Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Show Me The Money

So in case you don't know, there is a bit of a crisis going on. No, I didn't go to the gym. I haven't been since last Monday. I'm trying to see as many friends as I can each day before I leave and that means sacrificing my gym time if that's the time when they have free.

No, I don't want to go.

No, I don't know if this is for the best.

Yes, I chose to do this.

And yes, I'll get a raise, but even so I am leaving behind everyone I care about except for one person.

And yes, I'm going back to that place I fought so long and hard to get away from because she refuses to leave. And also because we have a house there that just won't sell. She has a job there paying her well. And she has some health issues that are increasingly a concern and she isn't doing well there on her own.

And no, if you don't know what I'm talking about it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. Only a small handful do. I'm sorry that I'm not explaining. I don't want to write this over at the other place. I don't really want to write this at all. But I know that a few of you have picked up on what is going on through Facebook, so I thought I'd just put this out here. I'm going back. If you pray, please pray for me, because this is possibly the hardest thing I've ever done. I don't want to go.

Monday, February 13, 2012


Hey HAAAAY hey! You there, Mr Gangsta. Wuzzup?

Yeah, I see you shuffling along here in the gym, with your phone in your hand and no workout clothes on 'cuz apparently they didn't have anything in all black that you can wear down around your knees. You keep looking back at me and then making all these intricate maneuvers. What's up with that, Homey? Are you afraid I'm gonna shank you? Sure, 'cuz University gyms are known for that kind of thing, right? Sure they are.

You walk slower than my grandmother, and right in the middle of the aisle like a hippo. That's truly saying something, too, because my grandmother is dead and dead is about as slow as it gets, or was until I met you.

I look so cool doing this
If it bothers you so much that people are walking behind you, 'cuz you are so gangsta and all that and everyone is out ta git you, why don't you put your cell phone away and pay attention to where you are? Maybe if you didn't walk like an old lady you wouldn't have 50 people lined up behind you watching you try to text. By the way, it's "loser" not "looser."  This long line of people does seem to bother you, judging from the way you jump around as soon as you see us there. It's easy enough for you to avoid, though. Just stop playing with your phone, take out your ear buds, walk like someone your own age (faster than an old lady) and pay attention. Honestly, if you are in so much danger from random shankings and all, I'd think you'd want to pay more attention. I mean, honestly, no one is looking to knife me that I know of, and yet I'm more aware of the people around me than you are. And to be honest, I'm really not all that incredibly aware. Just more than you.

Don' be sneakin', fool!
I'll give you an example of just how unaware I am, and you see if you think the fact that I'm more aware than you is a problem. Just a few minutes after I walked up behind you only to watch you look at me with a side glance that you seemed to think was sneaky (it wasn't) before jumping to the side and spinning around like a scared rabbit/ninja, I went back over to my leg press machine to finish my workout. I noticed some guy walking over towards me, but I didn't look at him. Then he walked right up to the machine and stood there looking at me. I could tell he was looking at me because his knees were facing me. That's when I looked up to make clear to this person now crowding my equipment that I was using it and not giving it up until I was done. And that is when I realized that I knew this person from a previous gym. We had a nice conversation. He told me he had just joined my new gym and asked how I liked it. I told him I liked it better than the previous gym, mostly because the equipment wasn't all broken and the owners hadn't abandoned the business the way Empire Fitness did the previous gym. He agreed that it was nice. And then he went on about his way and allowed me to continue my workout.

Notice how I didn't have to look over my shoulder to know he was there. Also, I did not jump or spin like a rabbit being chased by dogs. I did not drop my cell phone. And most importantly of all, notice how he did not stick me with a shank or anything like that. This is generally how it works in gyms around here. You might have realized that if you thought about it and considered the fact that no one has knifed you, either.

Seriously dude, you are acting like an idiot.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Another missed workout

OK, I missed my Monday workout again, but this time I have a new and very good excuse.

I was out of town. Normally I return to town on Sunday night so that I can make it to work on Monday morning, the gym at noon, and then return to work for the rest of the afternoon.

Why did I not return to town Sunday night like I usually do?

Because I wanted to stay and watch the Superbowl, that's why. I would have missed it if I had been on the road driving back to Alabama. And boy what a crime that would have been! It was a great game.

Yay football!
I didn't care one way of the other who won. Brady has the hot girlfriend/wife/supermodel so it isn't as if he had to go home and cry on his pillow all alone. And Manning has a hot blonde wife and kid so he wouldn't be crying alone in his pretzels either if he had lost. They're both millionaires and they both live the life of rockstars. Neither team means anything to me. Neither team was predicted by me to make it to the Superbowl, let alone win. So I had no dogs in this fight.

I just enjoyed a really good close game.

I wish more Superbowls could be as much fun as this one was.

One thing I would like to say about the game, though, is this:

Who were those guys? I mean, I knew the quarterbacks and I knew several of the receivers and running backs, but I swear it was as if both teams suddenly had a whole new team of running backs and tight ends and guys I hadn't seen or heard of all year long. Where did they come from? How is that possible?

Who dat?

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Monday Pumping Iron

Another Monday, another steely determination to hit the gym and work out my aching body. Yep, nothing is going to stop me this time. I have taken my preworkout energy mixture of amino acids and whatever else is in that thing I paid a lot of money for at GNC and I am on my way. I will not be stopped!

I could barely get into the parking lot at my gym because there were cars and people everywhere. They was some big truck out in front of the gym doors and as I pulled into the parking lot so very slowly in order to keep from running over people walking there I saw 2 cars parked on the concrete in front of the doors and people standing outside there apparently barbecuing.

"Oh hell, they must be having some sort of membership drive or something," I cursed to myself. "And from the looks of it, this is a membership drive for elderly Alzheimer's patients. Good God, everyone is ancient!"

Old people in Ford Crown Victoria's were everywhere, along with virtual mummies driving Toyota Camrys. And all parking badly.

I had to wade through a crowd just to get inside the gym. Once inside an elderly lady yelled at me, "sir, would you sign the guest register?"

"What? I'm not a guest. I'm a member." I replied somewhat impatiently. I think I made her mad.

I checked out the weight area and found very few of the old people there. "Good, at least I can still do my workout." But everywhere else in the gym there were swarms of people.

So I changed clothes and made my way to the weights. I did a back and bicep workout. And just like last week, I had no strength to speak of. My endurance was a little better, but the total lack of power makes me think I'm still battling something. I have no idea what to make of this, but it has hung on and hung on.

I tried my best to ignore the wretchedly old people who waddled past me, some with trainers assisting them, and many not paying any attention and just bumping into people who were in the middle of lifting weights.

After finishing my unproductive weight routine I went upstairs to run the treadmill. I had to make an athletic maneuver just to get past an old Chinese lady who was, I kid you not, walking right in the center of the stairs. She was moving very slowly with both elbows sticking out as she had both of her hands wrapped tightly around a cookie which she was eating without ever removing it from her mouth. I guess she was afraid someone might steal it from her. I don't know. But she reminded me of a squirrel the way she ate.

I made my way to the treadmill and completed a full half mile before that old lady made her way to the top of the stairs and over to the treadmills. Just like last week, despite my worthless strength workout, my running seemed to be totally unaffected. I ran fine. In fact, I ran even faster than I did last week. I finished a mile and went to stretch in the time it took the old squirrel woman to figure out how to turn on her treadmill and slowly creep along.

This wasn't a memorable workout. I did terrible. And oddly, my chest is still sore from the chest and tricep workout I did A FULL WEEK AGO. That is just not right. But whatever, at least I did another workout. Since December I think I've averaged a half workout per week maybe? Maybe less? I'm in sad shape. I really need to shake free of this whatever it is and get back to regular workouts every week. This once a week, or once every other week, or whatever I've done recently just isn't cutting it.

I'm posting this because it has been on my mind lately and I can't shake it. There was a movie on one night last week while was practicing guitar called "Abba: The Movie" and I halfway watched it. They've been stuck in the back of mind ever since. I remember when they were the biggest thing in rock music. The Beatles were gone. Zeppelin was gone. Elvis was dead. There was only them. And I was just a kid. I thought Agnetha, the blonde woman, was the hottest thing I had ever seen. Do you remember Abba?