Monday, February 13, 2012


Hey HAAAAY hey! You there, Mr Gangsta. Wuzzup?

Yeah, I see you shuffling along here in the gym, with your phone in your hand and no workout clothes on 'cuz apparently they didn't have anything in all black that you can wear down around your knees. You keep looking back at me and then making all these intricate maneuvers. What's up with that, Homey? Are you afraid I'm gonna shank you? Sure, 'cuz University gyms are known for that kind of thing, right? Sure they are.

You walk slower than my grandmother, and right in the middle of the aisle like a hippo. That's truly saying something, too, because my grandmother is dead and dead is about as slow as it gets, or was until I met you.

I look so cool doing this
If it bothers you so much that people are walking behind you, 'cuz you are so gangsta and all that and everyone is out ta git you, why don't you put your cell phone away and pay attention to where you are? Maybe if you didn't walk like an old lady you wouldn't have 50 people lined up behind you watching you try to text. By the way, it's "loser" not "looser."  This long line of people does seem to bother you, judging from the way you jump around as soon as you see us there. It's easy enough for you to avoid, though. Just stop playing with your phone, take out your ear buds, walk like someone your own age (faster than an old lady) and pay attention. Honestly, if you are in so much danger from random shankings and all, I'd think you'd want to pay more attention. I mean, honestly, no one is looking to knife me that I know of, and yet I'm more aware of the people around me than you are. And to be honest, I'm really not all that incredibly aware. Just more than you.

Don' be sneakin', fool!
I'll give you an example of just how unaware I am, and you see if you think the fact that I'm more aware than you is a problem. Just a few minutes after I walked up behind you only to watch you look at me with a side glance that you seemed to think was sneaky (it wasn't) before jumping to the side and spinning around like a scared rabbit/ninja, I went back over to my leg press machine to finish my workout. I noticed some guy walking over towards me, but I didn't look at him. Then he walked right up to the machine and stood there looking at me. I could tell he was looking at me because his knees were facing me. That's when I looked up to make clear to this person now crowding my equipment that I was using it and not giving it up until I was done. And that is when I realized that I knew this person from a previous gym. We had a nice conversation. He told me he had just joined my new gym and asked how I liked it. I told him I liked it better than the previous gym, mostly because the equipment wasn't all broken and the owners hadn't abandoned the business the way Empire Fitness did the previous gym. He agreed that it was nice. And then he went on about his way and allowed me to continue my workout.

Notice how I didn't have to look over my shoulder to know he was there. Also, I did not jump or spin like a rabbit being chased by dogs. I did not drop my cell phone. And most importantly of all, notice how he did not stick me with a shank or anything like that. This is generally how it works in gyms around here. You might have realized that if you thought about it and considered the fact that no one has knifed you, either.

Seriously dude, you are acting like an idiot.


  1. Goodness me, your gym sessions are like surviving a drive-by.

  2. MoviesOnMyMind, it was just this one guy who seemed to think he was being cool by being in everyone's way and acting like a douche-gangsta.

  3. Arrgh! Why is the difference between loser and looser SO incredibly difficult for people to comprehend? It drive me banana sandwich and it needs to stop!

  4. Oh man I don't like some of the gym guys...they come in black tights showing all their package...I say just walk in naked and get it over with...

  5. VapidVixen, I don't know why some people have such difficulty with it, but sometimes I think people just don't care enough to get it right.

    JustTellingIt, I've never been a fan of wearing tights. Too many women have already said to me, "Epic, stop sending me photos of your junk! I'm just going to delete it and block your number." No, but seriously, I generally don't pay attention to what the guys in the gym are wearing. If I see a pair of tights I expect them to be on a woman. Usually they look better in them than any guy. And guys in tights tend to be gay.