Tuesday, February 26, 2013

I Won a Blog Award?

Annika awarded me the One Lovely Blog Award after she had won it for her blog. I was shocked, but grateful. My blog is pretty small, with only a handful of followers, so it means a lot to me. As part of winning the award I am supposed to write 15 things about me. That's going to be hard. But I'll give it my best shot. And then I'm going to forward the award to other blogs.

Fifteen Things About Me
- because I'm so special -

1. Blood tests reveal my blood thyroid peroxidase antibodies score to be greater than 1000. My doctor insists this doesn't mean anything, but the internet says it means I'm going to die of Hashimoto's disease. Or not die, necessarily, but it is still bad and might reveal the source of most of my health problems of the past several years. A nurse I talked to disagreed with him, too. So I need to go back to my doctor and argue about why this is not "nothing" and needs to be looked at further. Obamacare isn't helping at all here, as doctors are now spending 90 percent of their time filling out Obama-required electronic paperwork and only 10 percent actually thinking about our cases or talking directly to us. Thanks Dr Obama, for making medicine worse with all your deep medical knowledge and experience which enabled you and your party, so overflowing with medical professionals as it is, to legislate everything all better.

2. My allergies are beating the ever loving crap out of me as I write this. My nose is running like an Icelandic waterfall in Springtime. Aughlek!

My allergies

3. My best friend growing up was half Swedish, half Choctaw Indian and he almost never talked. I mean, he'll talk if I can stumble across a topic that interests him, but otherwise he is mostly just silent. And if I ever ask a personal question like "are you dating anyone" or "who do you like for the presidential election" this is an offense tantamount to insulting his mother or the Chicago Cubs. Unless he happens to feel like talking about one or both of those subjects at that exact moment. So mostly I end up doing all the talking and he will either just listen to me ramble on or else he will ignore me and watch TV. But he never says "I wish you'd go home and leave me alone because I don't feel like seeing you today." And he never calls me up and says "hey, do you want to do something?" or email out of the blue to ask "what's up?" He is Swedish to the bone. And his sisters are beautiful.

4. When I was younger I didn't care if the gym was totally empty as long as I had the equipment I needed to do my workout and maybe a good workout partner. As I've gotten older and lost all my old workout partners and most of my drive I find myself caring more about who else is around, even if we never speak to each other. I guess being alone changes things. And also getting no results from my workouts. That's a real demotivator, too, so I guess I lack the focus I used to have. See #1 for a possible cause of the stubborn lack of results. All of this is ironic because I tend to try to ignore the other people in the gym and just do my thing. Or maybe I am an idiot and don't realize that sometimes I notice the other people and sometimes I totally don't? Maybe my allergies have my brain more muddled than I realize? Where am I and what was I talking about?

5. My new car costs too much. I don't just mean the car itself, but everything associated with it. The insurance is high. The tires cost a freakin' fortune to replace. It didn't come with a spare and I'm not driving around with no spare, so I went out on Ebay and bought a wheel that fits it. Next I'll have to throw a tire on the new wheel and that's going to cost a pretty penny. And then I'll have to throw that into my trunk along with a jack and wrench I stole from another car I used to have. This sort of defeats the purpose of choosing the car with the larger trunk since its going to be full of 20" spare tire now. Blah! But otherwise it is a lot of fun, especially when I step on the gas pedal.

FA$T Car!

6. Lately it seems like everyone I know is either A) in a band, B) promoting a book they wrote, or C) getting married. I had at one point deluded myself into thinking my irregular bouts of guitar practice would lead to my joining one of my friends bands, but no, I suck too badly to ever make it into anyone's band. With multiple friends writing books I'm doing a lot of reading lately. I feel like I should be able to say "hey, that was a great book! I just read it and it was awesome." One problem is that I don't own a Kindle or a Nook or whatever and more and more I find my friends self-publishing their books electronically only, or else they'll come out in print for all of a week and then go strictly electronic. So that gives me a week to buy the book or else I can't get it. Looks like I'm going to have to buy a Kindle whether I like it or not, I guess. I don't really know what to say about the people getting married. Congrats, I guess. But be aware, you are probably having more and better sex while engaged than you will after you get married. Just sayin'

7. I instantly dislike people when I see them in traffic driving slowly in the passing lane, only to speed up as soon as anyone threatens to get around them, and then slow back down again when the threat has been successfully blocked. Or go slowly in the passing lane until one of the other drivers does manage to escape their passive/aggressive blockade and get past, and then they speed up and chase that other person for miles and miles in a quest to force their victim back behind them again, at which point they'll slow down once more. I had a guy chase me for 10 miles this morning because I escaped him and it made him mad. People like that don't deserve to have a license. What they deserve is a punch in the face.

Get out of the passing lane, you doucheturtle!

8. Farting makes me laugh. In college I knew a girl who was seemingly normal in every way except that farts didn't make her laugh. She said she had never, ever laughed at a fart or a burp, not even as a little kid. She had never found them the least bit funny. It was then that I noticed that she didn't laugh much, even though she had a nice smile. And she was dating a guy who didn't seem terribly funny or prone to laughing either. I think there is something odd about a person who can't ever find a fart funny.

9. When I'm really mad I cuss worse than any sailor I have ever met. The only person I know who cusses worse than me was a tow truck driver who had to give me a tow after a car accident back in college. And he seemed to take pride in his exceptionally creative cursing. He shouted things at other drivers that were brand new to me. I had never heard things like that before in my life and I've never heard anything like them since, although to be fair I can't remember what he said anymore. I just remember that it was exceptional. After I told my father about it, he said that some people take pride in their ability to creatively curse other people out. I guess he was right. This guy was a cursing genius. He was the Hemingway of "F You."

Ernest F-ing Hemingway

10. If you decide to take your blog private, and I have you in my blogroll, and you don't invite me to view your private blog, I will drop you from my blogroll. I think that's fair. Why would I or anyone keep a blog in my blogroll that I can't even view? And how do I know its still active even? Clearly it must be dropped.

11. I used to be very athletic. Since having 2 knee surgeries and a sinus surgery a few years ago, something changed inside of me and screwed up my whole body. No one seems able to, or interested in, figuring out what the problem is. That's why #1 is up there. It is apparently entirely up to me to find out what is broken and how to fix it. I still compete in races and things, but now its more like I'm just there for the hell of it, but not at all competitive, because my athletic body transformed into a potato. And my health, meanwhile, just continues to slowly slide downward.

12. At this writing, as far as my family and I know from what heritage we can find, I am Cherokee, Irish, Scottish  English, Welsh and Snarkish. We haven't found any Italian, Germanic/Scandanavian, Asian, black, Jewish, Spanish, Mestizo or Puerto Rican in our family tree as yet. Anyone know the official PC definition of 'diversity?' I'd like to know if I qualify or not.

13. For whatever reason, and this too may relate to #1 from what I've read about it, but I seem unable to read one book at a time. I have a stack of them beside my bed and I am perpetually reading a few at a time. Right now I'm reading "Overlay" by Marlayna Glynn Brown and "Dracula" by Bram Stoker at the same time. It's quite a contrast since the two stories have absolutely nothing in common.

I want to suck your ... oh look, boobies!

14. I have 2 cats and yet I am a dog person. I don't have any dogs at all. How the F did this happen?

15. I have a brother that I have not seen in years. Even before that, I almost never see or hear from him. The only way I know to get in touch with him is to go to his house and knock on the door. I don't even have a phone number.

And now its my turn to award this to the following blogs:

Padded Cell Princess
Julie Maloney
About Last Weekend
Blue Grumpster
Our Not So Fairy Tale Life

No pressure. You don't have to do anything if you don't want to. But if you do decide to post something about the award and do the 15 things, let me know so I can come by and read them.

Irony - just as I was receiving this blog award someone dropped me from their blogroll.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Stolen Half a Meme

My last post updating the situation with the new gym didn't exactly inspire a lot of interest from anyone at all, so I'm dropping the post I was going to do today and doing this half-a-meme that I stole from Julie at Momspective.

38: How did you spend Valentines day?
I spent my Valentine's Day trading Valentine's with my significant other. And then we ate and drank and watched TV and agreed that we were going out on Saturday night instead of the Thursday night that Valentine's Day actually fell on because A) everyone else was out that night B) we were already tired and C) we had to be at work the next day and didn't want to go to the office smelling like genitalia and alcohol.

39: Do you eat enough vegetables?
No, but I watch a lot of vegetables on TV doing the network news. I mostly try to make up for my lack of vegetables with meat. If I shape a pound of hamburger like an apple I count it as being an apple. Same with carrots or celery - shape some hamburger like a carrot and it counts. Works for me.

Horror movies - Blah blah blah!

40: Do you like horror movies? How about thrillers?
Sure, I like horror movies if they're well done. I don't like really lame horror movies that aren't trying to be lame and don't seem to realize how lame they are. Or, if they do realize they are lame and make it into a joke then that's fine, too. I remember one time at a party we were all slightly inebriated and one of the Friday the 13th movies came on, so we all stood around the bar drinking and shouting at the movie. That was a blast.

Thrillers are a lot more fun to me than horror movies, but again, they have to be well done. Just having action for actions' sake, or a constant tension which doesn't seem to really lead anywhere unexpected can be tiresome. I'm thinking of a lame thriller I saw the other night, but the title is escaping me just now. A good thriller has to make you care that the protagonists are stressed. If you don't like them or care then you find yourself hoping they die and the movie ends. That's no good.

41: Do you like scotch?
Sure, I have a bottle of Glenleven, or however you spell it, in my cabinet and I like it just fine. I don't guzzle it or suck it through a funnel or anything, but I like it.

42: Who is someone you would never swear in front of?
Jesus, and by Jesus I don't mean the Mexican guy who repaired my roof a year or so ago. I'm talking about the Jesus who turned water into wine and then walked on water which technically he could also have turned into wine but probably didn't because it would have been murder for all the fish. Not that I think he'd strike me with lightning or anything, but probably he wouldn't be too thrilled to hear it.

43: Coolest thing you’ve ever seen on Halloween?
Jamie Lee Curtis fighting off Michael Myers after he'd killed her naked friend in a hot tub. Everyone wore really high-waisted paints in that movie, which was the style at the time, apparently.

44: If you could change your natural hair color, would you? To what?
I can't really imagine that changing my natural hair color would have all that much of an impact on my life except to make people avoid me or otherwise mistreat me for looking weird. I don't think I'd look quite right if I were suddenly blonde or auburn-haired. If I went jet black it would shock people, but not impress them. If I went flaming red then I'd just be a ginger and nobody really wants to see that. Honestly, I can't see how this would benefit me.

Photographing models - easier to screw up than you might think

45: What subject would you take if you were forced to take a free class?
Photography 201 - models. I used to be really into photography and I shot a lot of photos of people, but there are things about shooting models that are specific to that area of photography. I stumbled around a lot trying to figure those things out on my own and it would sure be nice to just take the class I skipped and get all the info in one shot rather than wasting some girl's time and then having her look at the photos and think you're a freak who just wanted to get her alone like a serial killer, but don't really know what you're doing. That's embarrassing.

By the way, never tell a girl that you're a photographer and have shot models and then try to prove it by taking her photo using your Blackberry. Those things have the worst cameras known to man and I don't know exactly why. You can't take a good photo of a person with those phones. It always looks awful and then, again, they think you're lying and probably a serial killer.

46: Do you use a reusable grocery bags?
Never. I have 2 cats and I need those crummy grocery bags to scoop the poop into. Have you noticed how cheap WalMart's disposable bags are? Every single one of them already has holes in the bottom by the time you get it home. That makes them all useless for cat litter because it leaks out and pours all over the floor. Stupid Walmart.

47: City or nature person?
Depends on what I'm doing. If I'm riding a motorcycle down a trail I'm a nature person. Except I don't like when deer run across the trail and nearly decapitate me. Not that they enjoyed it so much either. If I'm looking to buy something I prefer the city because there are more stores and they have to compete and their prices tend to be lower. 

Makeup - can only do so much about your face

48: Have you ever used something other than “makeup” as makeup? (Like paint? Markers?)
I don't use makeup. For Halloween I usually buy some mask that includes all the details already so I don't need makeup on my face. One lesson I learned from that is that if you're going to a Halloween party it is a bad idea to wear a mask that covers your entire face. You can't have a conversation with your mouth covered and you can't see well and generally communicating with your friends is hard. And you can't eat or drink anything. 

49: Do heights bother you? Can look look out the window on the top floor of a skyscraper?
Heights don't bother me any more than a normal average person. I'm not comfortable standing right on the very edge of a 1,000 foot cliff leaning over, but I don't mind going up and looking over from a few inches from the edge. I didn't know that my brother was afraid of heights until we worked together at a company that wanted him to get in a 'bucket' and be lifted up onto the roof of a metal robot cell we were constructing and he wouldn't do it. He said he was afraid of heights and absolutely did not want to be lifted up in the bucket truck. I thought he was crazy and went and jumped into the bucket and they lifted me up there. It was fun. 

50: Post 5 awesome things about your blog. BRAG AWAY!
1) It's mine so no one else can stop me from posting whatever I want
2) No one reads it
3) #2 is not very awesome, but it's true
4) I am glad for the few people who do read it and especially the ones who leave comments and talk to me.
5) I fully intended for my blog to be rather clean and mostly G or PG, but I couldn't get the URL omgfml.blogspot.com and I couldn't get OhMyGodFML.blogspot.com either, so all that was left was the one that I got, which of course has the F-word right in it. Oh well.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

The New Gym is Haunted

So I've finally found and joined a new gym. I wrote about that last week. But there's something about this gym in particular that bothers me.

It's just so .... old.

Don't misunderstand. I don't mean the building itself or the equipment is old. No, it's the people.

A coworker of mine had told me about this gym and encouraged me to join and to come work out when she does. It took me several months to finally go by and sign up, but I did it. I did my first lunch hour workout last week, as I said I would.

I'm not joking when I say that I was the youngest person there. And I'm not especially young.

I tried to ignore it. I tried to focus on my workout and not gawk around at all the other people. But then this old man, so stiff that he walked like he couldn't move anything above the waist at all, walked right up to me as I was doing some dumbbell presses. He almost seemed not to see me as he stumbled a bit and then went around me. He was hunched over a bit and his hair was as white as snow.

I asked my coworker about it after I got back to the office. I thought maybe it was just an off day. "Is everyone there super old? I mean, are there ever any younger people there, like even in their 30s? Any at all?"

She laughed and said that she hadn't seen anyone there who wasn't old. She's younger than me so technically when she's there that makes her the youngest person and me the second youngest person. But I have to say, this is sort of depressing.

First of all, even old people mostly prefer to be around young people. Young people are alive and exciting. A world filled with white haired, gray skinned, wrinkly people is depressing. And who wants to be depressed while working out?

Second of all, researchers conclusively proved that for men, being around attractive young females literally makes us stronger. It makes us happier. It makes us feel better in every way. The primary reason is because their presence causes our bodies to produce more testosterone. More testosterone makes us healthier, stronger, faster, in a better mood and have a better workout. Everything about the reason we're at the gym in the first place is improved by working out around attractive young females because of the way our bodies respond to them.

Whereas, the lack of them is just sort of sterile. And the lack of them combined with a whole gym filled with elderly people is just downright depressing.


Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Finding a New Gym

Old injury forces me to take up cycling
So, in case I haven't mentioned it already, and I can't recall if I have or not, I have moved from the city I was living in when I started this blog to a new city. I gave up my job and my awesome gym with the Bodypump classes and college girls to move to a city I don't care for where I took a higher paying and much more demanding job. I joined a gym near my house, but I rarely went to it after sustaining a calf injury that seemed to just hang around bothering me forever. That calf injury led to me digging my old road bike out of the shed and cleaning it up to ride. I rode until winter when the darkness would overtake my neighborhood before I had even arrived home from work. There are few street lights where I live, so riding at night is not an option. 

I have not run or trained at all since my last race in September or October. I can't remember which month it was. I did manage to injure my back during that time, though. So awesome.

So, I joined a new gym last week. From the outside and looking at their website it looks very similar to my old gym at the University. But walking around I see a significant difference or two.

Old city's average citizen
In my previous city, the average citizen there has at least an undergraduate degree. There are a high number of people with masters degrees. Doctorates are also fairly common. Almost everyone either works for the defense department or NASA in some capacity, whether they are employed directly by them or through a contracted company.

New city's average citizen (skin color may vary)
In this city, the average citizen here has at least one arrest for a criminal offense of some sort. There are a high number of gang members. Drug dealers are also fairly common. A lot of people here don't work at all and simply draw welfare.

Old gym's average female client
At my old gym, being on a college campus, most of the females were college girls and somewhat pretty. I'm not saying I gawked at them or anything. I was there to work out, after all. Observing the female population wasn't really the purpose of being there. But attractive females weren't rare.

New gym's average female client
At my new gym, being in this city where beauty is harder to find than crack cocaine, I didn't see a single attractive female anywhere in the gym at all. To be fair, I just got there and haven't even worked out there yet. I just took the tour and looked around. Fairly empty gym, except for the treadmills, etc. No attractive females at all. Not one.

Old gym's pool
At my old gym, the swimming pool was enormous and always filled with people swimming laps. I never got a chance to use it.

New gym's pool
At my new gym, the swimming pool is large enough for doing laps. It was filled with old white guys, all of whom had beards, one of whom was oddly splashing over and over and over, like a mentally ill person or a child might do. Only 2 men were swimming laps.

Old gym during lunch hour
At my old gym, during lunch every single day there were workout classes with a lead trainer to guide you, including bodypump and spin classes. There were also plenty of classes early in the morning and after work, running from 5 to 7 each night.

New gym during lunch hour
At my new gym, there are absolutely no classes of any kind during lunch. None. There are 2 classes offered at 5 am and again after work at 5:30 pm. 2 classes.

At my old gym, the entire building was shiny and new, even if the equipment wasn't necessarily all that new. Most of it was, but not all of it, and it didn't really matter. The main thing was that it worked. The free weight area had a steady stream of dedicate athletes, many of whom were college students, and sometimes it could get crowded despite the enormous floor space available for the free weights.

At my new gym, the entire building looks damp inside, somehow. I don't know how to explain it. I think it has been there awhile. The equipment looks perfectly fine. There was absolutely no one working out in the free weight area. Not a single person. The person showing me around said that was unusual, but couldn't explain why it was completely vacant.

Old city - I have friends
In my old city, I had a large group of friends, all of whom worked out and some of whom compete in triathlons. They had me considering attempting to compete in a triathlon myself.

New city - I am alone
In this new city, I don't have a lot of friends. Some of them work out, but I don't know which ones. None of them are into triathlons at all. If I do train for a triathlon, chances are I'll enter one in my old city and go there to race, perhaps hooking up with some of my old friends for support.

Today at lunch I was planning to go to this new gym and give it a try. I haven't worked out in months, as I said. I know it won't be epic. I packed my gym back with all my old stuff in preparation, but I can't find my lock for the lockers. I have a pack of 3 combination locks, all with the same combination for in case I lose one and need another and don't want to have to learn a new combination. But now I can't find any of them. They're all together somewhere. So instead of going to the gym, today during lunch I'll be going to the store to buy new locks.

Yeah, I'm off to a roaring start, and not terribly motivated.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

The Basically Obscure Meme

It’s that time again, Thursday, where I steal a meme from Julie Maloney and try to act like it's my own original creation. Well, except for me telling you right off the top that I stole it from Julie Maloney. Speaking of Julie, she's got a funny blog and you should check it out sometime. Anyway, here is my latest meme, because I haven't been to the gym in months and other than a visit to the vampire, er, doctor to have a bunch of blood drawn and tested I don't really have any news to blog about ...

We need to take some blood for ... uh... medical purposes
1: Do you notice a persons eye color?
 Not usually. I mean, unless they have really striking eyes or they are up in my face making intense eye contact, I don't. I have even had girls kiss me and I didn't register their eye color. I guess I'm probably more of a boob man.

Sorry, did I say that out loud?

What color are her eyes?

2: White, milk, or dark chocolate mocha?
Hmm,  a chocolate question ... uh ... I like white chocolate. I have a Zero candy bar sitting on top of the refrigerator that has been there for weeks. I like milk chocolate, too. Somewhere up there is a Hershey bar next to the Zero bar. I'm not as big a fan of dark chocolate, but I'll eat it. But as far as all of this relating to a mocha, I'm not a mocha drinker. First of all, I don't know where around here I'd get one. Second of all, not having been to the gym in months I really shouldn't be drinking those in the first place. I take my coffee black, without all the creme and calories and sugary stuff.

3: If you could get a tattoo free, would you do it? what would it be?
I don't think the price of the tattoo is really the issue here. I used to be an artist and a lot of my friends were artists, too. One of them took his art to a tattoo parlor to sell and, mostly, to meet hot girls who were into tattoos and wild kinky sex. It actually paid off for him, I think, but more in the kinky sex department than the money for his art. Anyway, if something meant a lot to me, REALLY meant a lot, then I might get a very personal tattoo relating to it. Most tattoos are personal to the person wearing it. But so far I have never felt the urge to do that. I have a friend back in my hometown who moved from Minnesota down to Alabama. She's a bartender. She arrived beautiful and tattoo-free. In the course of 2 short years she totally covered her entire remarkable Playboy body in ink. She said it was something she'd always wanted to do. Perhaps if I had more friends like her, more friends with ink, it might be something of importance to me. But because I don't .... eh, not likely.

4: Did you grow up in a small or big town? Did you like it?
 I grew up in a town that was considered a moderate size, not big and not small, and it was primarily a government town with lots of people having security clearances and getting paid only OK money for work that required high intelligence. Today it has all switched around and the government hires and promotes based on sex and race and other factors having nothing to do with qualifications. The pay is twice what anyone makes in the free market and many joke about not really doing any work. But the legacy of high IQ families moving there for top secret jobs has created a community of highly intelligent individuals all living and working together. It's a great place, overall, and I wish I still lived there.

5: Your favorite adult as a child? (and not your parents, if they were your favorite)
As a child? How small of a child? When I was really little I'd say Mister Rogers was my favorite adult. He never got mad or yelled at me or made me feel bad about myself. When I was beginning to outgrow Mister Rogers I'd say it was Mister King, the man who called and asked if I wanted to play basketball on a team he was coaching. I said I'd give it a try. That was the start of my involvement in athletics. If not for him, I don't know where I would have ended up, but when I look at the path my older brother chose, not having sports in his life or a coach to help direct him, I thank God for Mister King and basketball.

6: What kind of smoothie sounds really good right now?
 Uh, this meme was written by a woman for other women, I'm thinking. All these questions about food. I don't know. I'm not a big smoothie person. The last smoothie I had was a very expensive protein smoothie. I didn't drink it for the smoothie part. I drank it for the 30 grams of protein it held. Not that it wasn't good. It's just that 'good' wasn't the point.

7: Most embarrassing moment from your elementary school years?
I remember the day I introduced my best friend's sister to the concept of Captain Underwear. I was still young enough to think it funny to strip to my underwear and run around the back yard pretending to fly like Superman while yelling "Caaaaaaptaaaaaaain Uuuuuuuunderweaaaaaaaaar!" But when I showed my best friend's twin younger sisters, suddenly I realized it was embarrassing to be in my underpants in front of girls. And also I think maybe they thought I was an idiot.  

Captain Underwear

8: Most embarrassing moment from your middle school years?
Pretty much every single moment from the first day of 6th grade until the last day of 8th grade was one endless humiliation. One that stands out was when a bunch of boys were chasing Adrienne Kump around the room trying to snap her bra. She was laughing, but they couldn't catch her. She ran up to me and stopped with her back to me. So I stood up from my desk and popped it. Suddenly she was mad and tried to kick me in the crotch. I caught her foot and briefly considered flipping her onto her head. But I had a massive crush on her and didn't want to actually hurt her, so I didn't. Still, the fact that she was fine with every other boy popping her bra and so angry when I did it that she would do something as horrible as that to me, even though she failed, absolutely crushed me. I spent the rest of middle school an emotional wreck after that and barely talked to girls at all. Ironically, in 9th grade she and I had a class together and she seemed interested in me. But I wasn't having anything to do with her.

9: Most embarrassing moment from your high school years?
Probably when I took a girl to a sorority dance and actually tried to dance. I was awful. That was probably only slightly less embarrassing than when I got both braces and a new girlfriend around the same time and I tried to kiss her for the first time. That did not go well at all. She dumped me not long after that when I made an excuse not to go to a dance. Between my bad braces kisses and my inability to dance I guess I was just too much of a loser for her.

10: Have you ever fired anyone?
Yes, I fired my personal trainer after he became so insistent on telling me his conspiracy theories that it started interfering with training me. Also, he started working out with me, having me spot him and generally serve as his workout partner. It reached a point where I wasn't sure what I was paying him for, but I wasn't getting the results I needed and he was driving me insane with all the crazy. After that I fired my doctor when I told him about working out with a trainer for a year and a half, plus tracking my diet and keeping my calories to an average of 2100 per day and yet losing exactly 0 pounds. He called me a liar and insisted that was impossible. But what he didn't do was conduct any tests to see if something was wrong, such as my thyroid. I enjoyed firing my doctor. It was very satisfying. And I think I may have been the first patient he ever had to say "you're fired" to him judging from his reaction.

11: Have you ever climbed a tree more than twenty feet off the ground? 
Oh hell yes. Once I moved beyond the Captain Underwear phase, my friend and his sisters and I used to climb every tree in the neighborhood. Some of them were enormous and we'd compete to see who could get to the highest point in the tree. We didn't stop climbing until the tree top was bending with our weight and we didn't feel safe going any further up. Climbing down was the hardest part. Up was easy in comparison.  I don't think our parents had any clue we did this, although at the time it never occurred to me what a terrifying thing it would be for a parent to see their kids 4 stories high clinging to a tree as the top began to bend with their weight and the wind blew the tree back and forth. We thought it was a blast. These days, in the age of helicopter parenting, I don't see any of my neighbors kids climbing anything. It's very strange how different our childhoods were from the kids of today. I don't envy kids these days or their electronic worlds.

You didn't have a childhood if you never did this 

12: Did you like swinging as a child? Do you still get excited when you see a swing set?
I loved to swing as a child. My dad, ever the money saver, built our swing set out of enormous square blocks of wood, steel tension cables, and chains. We had the tallest swing set in the neighborhood and the largest backyard. The taller the swing set, the higher you can swing in it, and we took full advantage. The greatest fun was seeing how high you could swing and then jumping out at the peak, flying through the air and landing in the grass. My dad had a swing of his own, a porch swing. He even had our back porch built just so he'd have a good place to put his swing. Every day after work he'd go out back and sit in his porch swing and just swing back and forth, relaxing from the work day and thinking. Sometimes I'd go out there and swing with him, both of us sitting side-by-side, and talking and swinging. These days if I see a porch swing I think of my dad and the fact that I'll never get to sit and swing and talk to him again.

13: If you could have any pet in the world, illegal or not, what would you get? 
 Megan Fox. Seriously, a man would have to be a fool not to choose this.


14: What’s your favorite place to relax? 
It occurs to me just now that I don't really have a favorite place to relax. This is probably a bad thing. I have a front and back porch on my house, and sometimes we sit out there. But I'm never alone and just relaxing. I don't know that I have a place that I can go and just be alone and relax.

15: What’s your most favorite part of your personality? 
Um .... my shamelessly snarky personality? My willingness to open my mouth and make my thoughts known, come hell or high water? My excellent vocabulary? I don't know.

16: Madonna or Lady Gaga? Neither? Both?
Both are irrelevant. At least Lady Gaga seems to realize how irrelevant she is and doesn't take herself too seriously, but Madonna seems totally put out by the fact that Lady Gaga has come along and shamelessly stolen her old act.
Who even cares which one this is?

17: Have you ever watched the Superbowl all the way through?
I've watched many Superbowls all the way through. I'm a Cowboys fan and have been since I was little. I used to have a reason to watch Superbowls, back in the days when Dallas was a good team. These days, with Jerry Jones imagining himself a football genius, I usually skip the Superbowl. I guess after Jerry Jones dies I might watch it again, if Dallas gets a new owner who stays out of the way. I still remember Tom Landry.

18: Have you ever watched any major sporting event live?
I've been to an Atlanta Falcons game where the San Francisco 49ers and Joe Montana stomped them into the ground without mercy. I've been to AA baseball games where Jose Canseco and Mark McGwire, still relative unknowns, would strut out to the plate, enormously outsized in comparison to all the other players, and crush the baseball out of the park. We knew they must be juicing because their upperbodies were ridiculously huge compared to all the other players, especially Canseco's, but we didn't care. They were amazing to watch. I've been to an Alabama college football game where they stomped Louisiana Tech into the ground. I've been to an Auburn college football game where they stomped Temple University into the ground. I've been to lots and lots and lots of hockey games and seen more blood than most paramedics who don't watch hockey. And I went to a professional exhibition soccer game between Mia Hamm's Washington team and Cindy Parlow's Atlanta team and saw a rookie goalie boot a kick into her own fullback's ass only to have it ricochet backwards into her own goal. She was super humiliated, but to me it was the most hilarious mistake I'd ever seen and the game didn't count anyway.

19: What’s the most delicious food you’ve ever eaten in your life? 
 Um, again with the food? I don't know. A french silk pie was probably right up there near the top, if not the top. Well prepared steak is high up on the list. Good shrimp, good lobster, lobster bisque soup ... certain pizzas ... once or twice I've had an egg drop soup that was super duper awesome. There's probably a few chocolate cakes up there in the list somewhere. I don't know. I'm not super into food.

20: Margarine or butter? Which did you grow up with?
I grew up with the damn US Government telling us that butter was killing us all and that we should switch to margarine instead, and then years later we learn that no, in fact margarine is killing us and butter is actually healthier. Around the same time as the anti-butter crusade was going, our esteemed government 'experts' also said that milk causes cancer and eggs are nothing but cholesterol and should not be eaten. These days, Michelle Obama is going around telling us all what to eat and not eat and ordering schools to change their menus and not offer anything kids will actually eat, so the kids are just not eating and she says this is better for them. It all reminds me of how my dad used to say that you can't trust the government, and that even when they aren't up to no good they are usually incompetent and just flat out wrong. Dad was pretty smart.

Friday, February 1, 2013

What I Like About Meme

So I was blog hopping and found this meme. I stole it from a blog that probably doesn't even know my name because I've never commented there as Emile H. Buttocks, or Epic Fail, either one. But that's OK. I'm stealing it anyway.

I was named after Darren Stevens, on Bewitched. Of course, not his TV name, but his real name - Dick. My parents were mean. No, I'm kidding. No really, they were mean. But my name is not Dick.


I can't remember. I stopped watching NFL football because the Cowboys owner, Jerry "Dick" Jones, won't leave the coaching to the coaches and stay out of the way, so I don't cry as much anymore after giving up football.

I was once an artist, so my handwriting changes with my mood. I'm not a fan of my own writing. I think it has gotten sloppy in this age of keyboards, but when I slow down and pay attention I can pretty much write any way I please.

Scarlett Johansson on white bread

Miss Scarlett
There's a big source of contention and crying at my house. I'll just leave it at that before this blog turns ugly.

It would depend on what sort of other person I was. Judging from the way the attractive women in the gym don't acknowledge me, let alone speak to me, I'd say if I were a hot woman in a gym I would apparently NOT be friends with me. On the other hand, if I were a crazy personal trainer with vast conspiracy theories that I wanted to tell to anyone who would listen, I apparently would be friends with me. And then I would block myself on Facebook for being crazy paranoid.

I used to, but lately I find I tend to shout my true feelings at the top of my lungs whenever the situation calls for it. You want to know what I think? I'll TELL you what I think!

I don't know. Let me look. Errrrrrrrrrgh ........ aaaaaaaaaaaaah ...... my cell phone makes a better phone than a mirror, and the flash on my phone camera just sucks, but it does appear that I still do have them, yes.

Sure, why not? I have so little to lose. Except weight. I have plenty of weight to lose. Hmm, the combination of the two would seem a poor choice, would it not? Perhaps I would need 2 bungee cords, but yes, I would bungee jump. Preferably off a high bridge in New Zealand, 'cause I saw that on TV and it looked cool ... until the cord broke and the girl fell into the water below. I had momentarily forgotten that this was the reason it was shown on TV in the first place.

I am not conscious first thing in the morning, otherwise known as 'breakfast time', which is the only time I general eat cereal.Therefore, I do not have any recollect of what I eat in the form of cereal. I only know that I do and that it comes out of the cabinet nearest the doorway and when a particular cereal box is empty I write the name from the box onto the grocery list and replace it.

I do indeed, and often they knot and refuse to untie and I curse and kick them across the room no longer tied, necessarily, but not exactly untied either.

Judging from the other guys lifting at the gym I don't appear to be strong, per se, but I don't appear to be weak either. Then again, I haven't lifted in over 6 months ... except a few months ago I did a tiny workout and hurt my back, but that doesn't count. Anyway, I'm average strength for the gym. Some guys are benching small cars. I never did. I never will, either. But I'm not weak. So the answer is .... meh.

Anything but strawberry. If it's pink then its ruined and goes in the trash. That's my rule for ice cream. Chocolate, vanilla, any variation of that, as long as it isn't pink with pits in it that crunch. Who wants that?!

Anything but strawberry

Lately the first thing I notice about people is whether or not they use their blinker. I know, I know, this is weird. In the office I'm walking like a zombie, coffee cup in hand (or searching angrily for stolen coffee cup), with lots of problems on my mind. I don't see most of the people around me in the office. Well, except this one girl we call "Snotty Hottie" who used to refuse to even make eye contact with me and seemed to run away from me when I was new. Lately she'll begrudingly smile if I say 'hello' but that's about it. I'm not asking for her to jump into my arms and kiss me. I just would appreciate if she'd acknowledge when I say "good morning" or nod 'hello' without pulling pepper spray out of her purse. So anyway, in the office I'm wrapped up in thought. Before and after the office I'm in traffic, where your failure to use a blinker really pisses me off because it makes life harder for me and more dangerous. So yeah, if you don't use a blinker I often think you are a douchewagon and if you do I sometimes say aloud in the car "thank you," as if you could hear me and are somehow given positive reinforcement for the blinker.

It depends on what it is. As soon as I see the word 'pink' I think of women. I don't know why. I'm not a perv (shut up) but pink has come to be associated strongly in this country with only 3 things: women, leftist political movements, and gay men. I ignore the leftist political movements and don't care anything about the gay men, so that only leaves the women. So I guess pink then.

Mmm, pink!

My lack of self confidence. And I am very confident of this.

My wife's cat. She moves too quickly for me and I can only throw soft, lightweight things lest I put a hole in the drywall when I miss and hit the wall.

My swimming, because I am still considering doing a triathlon even though I'm now in worse shape than ever before and have no business even thinking about doing a tri. But if I do, I need to work on my swimming so I don't drown myself. I don't want to be buried wearing one of those embarassing triathlon Spandex suits.

Don't bury me in this after I drown

Black and red and gray. And as it happens that this is Footy Friday I probably should be posting a photo of my feet and shoes today, but I think I'll skip. Anyone else posting photos of your feet for this Footy Friday?

A Dorito chip. True story. Not very exciting, but true.

Now with easy to open packaging!

My coworkers discussing some sort of work-related crisis. They're not on my team so that means I don't have to get involved in that, thank God.

Brick red. Every kid starts out drawing a house for one of their first 'advanced' drawings and then they need that brick red crayon to color it in with. There is a time in every child's life when brick red is the most important crayon in the world. I want to be that crayon.

The gym. I have a very, very poor sense of smell, almost non-existant, and the gym is a place where I feel comfortable. It works for me. I can't help it if you think its gross.

The more I understand about what is going on, the more important they become. There are people in this world who truly believe they have the right to destroy anyone and everyone who dares to disagree with them, and they fully intend to do it. Those who aren't paying attention will be the first to go. The rest of us will be next, unless we can fight back successfully and stop their evil schemes. 

Beach house. It's on the beach, out of necessity. Therefore, beach house wins automatically.

Football, used to be. Motorcross, not so much anymore. Hockey, tennis, downhill skiing.

Brown. Or are you asking my favorite hair color? I used to know this girl with the most beautiful auburn hair I've ever seen. It was all natural, too. She was so beautiful.

Again, are you asking for mine or my favorite? Mine are brown. My favorite really depends on the girl whose eyes we're talking about.

Nope, Nike


Scary happy endings where everyone is laughing for no reason and you're sitting on the couch going "is everyone high? Why are they all laughing? Did I miss a punch line somewhere? Who farted?"

Who farted?
Summer - I can always swim at the beach, but I haven't had an opportunity to snow ski since college, so winter mostly just sucks for me.

Several - I just finished "On Demon Wings" by Karina Halle. I'm working on "Overlay" by Marlayna Glynn Brown and "Sherlock Holmes Volume 1" by Arthur Conan Doyle. I have several others that I have either temporarily stalled on and intend to finish later, or else I haven't started yet, but they are in the stack waiting for me to get to them.

Something heavy with electric guitars and distortion, usually.

2391 miles. Were you at all curious as to where I went? Grenada. So now you know.


 So anyway, there it is. Would you be willing to do this meme over on your blog? If so, let me know so I can come and read it, too.