Friday, January 25, 2013

How My Friday Morning Began

The following is a letter I sent to my significant other in response to a short email telling me to have a wonderful day:

"I just got out of our morning meeting. I hope to get enough done today that on Monday morning I don’t have the exact same thing to report. The weather outside is ugly and people in traffic are weird, but in a totally different way from how they were the previous 2 weeks. My hair is doing funky things and won’t behave and my leg keeps feeling like something is crawling on it, which started last night, but when I look there is nothing there. My nose is running and the radio people wouldn’t give me a traffic report the ENTIRE morning, but they did warn about how horrible the flu is this year. I have coffee. I haven’t pooped. I need to drink some coffee and then go poop. Then I can get rolling."

I don't think I am fully in the Friday spirit yet.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Nice Cup

The Misfits
I was standing in the break room at work, washing out my new coffee cup like I now do every single morning before pouring coffee into it because I don't know where its been or what's been done to it, when a new employee came in. She was getting some coffee, too.

I didn't recognize her. I've never seen her before. And I had my head down focusing on what I was doing. We didn't speak.

As she was leaving she turned to me and said, "nice cup!" And she smiled.

Nice cup!
I looked at her. It took me a minute to remember that I had replaced my old generic cup with this new Misfits skull cup. "Thanks, its supposed to make it harder for anyone to steal it from me."

"Unless they like it." she said. "Then they'll take it home."

I'll take that cup from you and you'll never see it again!
It hadn't occurred to me that anyone might WANT my cup now that its unique. I mean, it isn't really unique. I bought it at the Guitar Center. Anyone can get one. But it's unique for this office. I haven't seen another like it. The point was simply to make it harder for the person screwing with me by taking my cup to get away with it. But now I realize I might have to deal with someone taking it and keeping it for good because they like this new cup.


And then, as I was pouring coffee into my newly cleaned cup, a fellow employee asked me how things were going. We had worked together briefly on a project when I was loaned out to his team for about 6 weeks or so.

"Oh, it's going alright. How are things going with the project?" I asked, not really knowing what to say.

We talked for a few minutes about the project I had worked on with him and then turned to go out opposite doors.

That's when I noticed that he was wearing the exact same shirt as me.

And the exact same pants, too.

We were twins.

Except that I have this awesome coffee cup and he doesn't.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Office Drama continues

Old cup - fairly generic, nothing special
So, someone in the office where I work has a problem with me. Its either the janitor who cleans here after hours or else it is a coworker. But no one has ever come to me and said "I have a problem with you." So I think this person is just an ass who likes to mess with people they hardly know, sort of like my brother used to do. 

For several months, over half the past year, someone waits until I am not at work, either before I get in that morning or else after I've left for the night, and steals my coffee cup. I don't know what they do with it, but I always find it somewhere in the office, usually in the break room either in the sink, in the dishwasher, or else sitting on the edge of the sink. Sometimes it even appears to have been washed. 

After this happened a few times I asked that the janitor be informed that this is my cup and to please leave it alone. I was told "how do you know it is the janitor? We can't just go around accusing people." They may or may not have spoken to the janitor, but it didn't make any difference because the thefts continued anyway. 

I thought it was a retarded person, someone who just can't quite grasp that my plain blue cup isn't company property and that they should leave it alone, so I thought I'd be smart and replace my generic cup with a very non-generic cup, one that looks totally unique when compared with everyone else's cup here in the office. So I bought this:
New cup - clearly no generic corporate cup
I've had this cup at work for all of 2 weeks, maybe 3. I felt so sure that the thefts of my cup were a retarded person's honest mistake that I even considered leaving this new cup out on my desk, like all my coworkers do with theirs, and see if the thief stopped taking it. I considered it, but I didn't do it. I continued locking it inside my desk every night like always.

Yesterday we had a bit of a sleet-fest. We had tons of rain all weekend and then a cold blast hit us and turned it into sleet. So the roads started to freeze and they told us all to go home early. The last thing I did before going out to my car was to rinse out my coffee cup and lock it inside my desk. I remember this because it was the very last thing I did.

This morning I came into work and found my desk drawer sitting half open. The cup, of course, was gone. The roads driving into work were still icy and people in this town don't handle cold and ice very well. People get irritable and do stupid things in traffic. Today was no exception. So I came into work in a very bad mood. Finding my desk broken into and my cup stolen once again made me mad.

I sent an email to my boss, my boss' boss, human resources, and my specific HR rep, along with the usual people I had been emailing about this, asking why nothing has been done and what can be done to finally end this crap. If this is a joke, it isn't funny anymore. It is the same stupid harassment every single time with no variety at all and no one ever saying "Ha ha, I stole your cup and then watched you go looking for it while I laughed! Isn't that hilarious?" This isn't a joke. This is harassment for harassment's sake. This is someone who has a problem with me, but doesn't have the manhood to come to me and tell me so to my face.

So I have a few suspects. Well, only two really.

The Janitor - at first I thought it was because some of the cleaning crew are retarded. Some of them are, but not all of them. They come into my office area after hours and vacuum, empty the trash, etc. They see whatever is sitting out on my desk. I get 2 different newspapers which tend to promote 2 different political viewpoints. I read these papers during lunch and sometimes even underline important parts of some of the articles. I usually throw them away when I'm done reading them, but sometimes they are left open on my desk. This past year was an election year, and in case you hadn't noticed, this country has been cut in two, divided intentionally between 2 dramatically different viewpoints. It has gotten bad enough that even the papers themselves have begun to comment on it. I don't ever put any political stickers on my cars because I know how the other party's supporters can be. They represent the labor unions and labor unions are notorious for violence and intolerance towards all disagreement. And they aren't the only ones. Anyway, I don't advertise my political views beyond The Blog. No one who works with me has ever heard me say which candidates I supported or why. Beyond the articles in the papers on my desk, no one here knows anything about my views. But if they look at those papers and assume that because I read them I must totally agree with everything they say, then odds are high that the janitor thinks he or she knows my political views. Ironically, the two papers I read disagree with each other frequently. But if all you know about them is what you see glancing at the headlines of the papers in my trash or on my desk, you can make all sorts of assumptions. Harassment connected to my perceived political views wouldn't be shocking, especially considering the way certain groups acted during political demonstrations over the last few years.

The Slightly Autistic Guy - he sits across from me and over a few seats. He never speaks to me, even when I smile and say "hello." He won't make eye contact with me. He is in a group that used to talk often and loudly, playing jokes on each other and having fun. They all instant message each other constantly, with almost their entire team talking all day long about whatever is on their minds, including coworkers they like and don't like. He likes the woman who sits next to me. I'll call her Drama Queen. She stirs up things all the time. And he loves, loves, loves her. When I was brand new here and she would talk to me, I mentioned to her that I had noticed that this guy never swings his arms when he walks. I didn't mean anything by it. I just thought it was odd. Her response was to yell across the office, "Hey Slightly Autistic Guy, he noticed it, too! See, I'm not the only one who wonders why you never swing your arms when you walk! HA HA!"  This was before I realized that this guy is slightly autistic. He's super smart, but he clearly doesn't relate well to humans. No eye contact, jokes on Drama Queen that seem juvenile but flirty, no arm swinging, very stiff from head to toe, no facial expressions except the few times he's laughing. I started keeping a record of every time my coffee cup is stolen. So far he's always here when it gets stolen, and the days or weeks he's away it never gets stolen. I've been considering leaving it on my desk the next time he goes on vacation just to see if anything happens to it. Last time he was on vacation I left my desk unlocked with the cup inside and no one took it. Now that he's back my desk was broken open and it was taken. Coincidence?

The girl he clearly has a crush on laughed at him because I noticed he doesn't swing his arms. He didn't laugh. He didn't say a word in response. I didn't know he was autistic at the time, but after I figured it out I went on the internet and looked around. There are forums where people with various disabilities including autism talked about the whole arm swinging thing and the expectation that they do it when they walk. Several of them even said they tried to do it just so people would leave them alone about it, but it took too much concentration and distracted them from their other thoughts. They almost all concluded that it wasn't worth the effort and gave it up. But it bothered them that people noticed.

So anyway, I was pretty mad this morning when I found my desk broken up and the cup gone. And I've grown increasingly concerned that this is more malicious than joking - what else do they do with my cup besides just take it to the break room? I don't know and it's starting to bother me. So I emailed everyone this time. Previously I had emailed only people at a lower level. This time I went up the ladder. And HR has responded that they are going to look into this and take action. Usually that results in the person who complained suffering but the person responsible never suffering because they don't know for sure who it is and the lawyers won't let them touch that person without absolute proof. Probably they're going to make me regret even mentioning it. But we'll see. Whatever happens, I want this stopped.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Dear Email Person

I don't WANT a Capital One card and you sending me 50 billion emails informing me that I qualify for one, etc, etc, is not going to make me suddenly feel the desire to have one. What it does is piss me off and cause me to curse at my Spam filter for not catching all your stupid emails.

Yes, I saw your previous email. How odd of you to ask me that. And sending it to me again won't draw any more attention to it from me because I ignored it the first time on purpose. I can't jump on every political campaign bandwagon. Repeatedly bombing me with emails about it isn't going to persuade me to change my mind.

Why, oh why, do you keep flagging these perfectly legitimate emails as spam and then NOT flagging all the total crap that I have to manually delete as spam when it is as obvious as it can be that they are ALL SPAM!

Stop emailing me about "gun violence." It isn't "gun violence" that I'm concerned about. It's PEOPLE VIOLENCE that is a concern. That rifle didn't leap up and run over to the school to shoot those kids all by itself. A lunatic who should have been institutionalized is responsible. And you know who is responsible for it being so difficult to institutionalize him? The same people now shouting about "gun violence", that's who.

Yes, I left something in my shopping cart on your website. Thanks for reminding me. No, I didn't forget. And if you really want me to buy it then I suggest you leave it there and just wait patiently for my return to your website instead of emailing me about it and then deleting it as if this one thing is costing you SO MUCH memory on your server farm or cloud space or wherever you store this information. Leave it there and stop bugging me about it.

I appreciate that you are so very interested in my penis size, but honestly, I don't need all your emails and links to pills and crap. If I want some pills for my penis I'll go ask a doctor. Or I can just go to WalMart and buy them in the pharmacy section. Yes, WalMart has penis pills. So you see, there is no need to email me about this ever again.

Thank you for informing me that 4G is now available in my area. But you should realize, since you are my provider, that I can simply look at my phone and see for myself that 4G is available. I'm getting it right now. Thanks so much. Please stop spamming me.

I really love how Yahoo thinks my comment containing the word "slut" is offensive and has to be altered to "$%^&" while my description of someone as a "douche fountain" is perfectly fine and inoffensive and in no way needing censoring. Always entertaining, Yahoo, always entertaining.

I'm pretty sure no amount of signatures on your petition are going to alter the President's agenda one teeny tiny iota. In fact, I'm so confident of this that I'm not going to click on your email supposedly containing the "petition Obama fears most" and even read what it's about. Thank you and have a nice day.

Lady, I'm not even a resident of the state you represent, so I really don't need all your emails about the things you're fighting for in the US Senate. I appreciate that you think I might want to know, and that you apparently think I'm important enough to keep informed, but I didn't vote for you and if I had it would have been illegal.

Just because I deleted an email that you should have marked as SPAM in the first place does not mean that I want to go all the way back to the top of my inbox. For crying out loud, just leave me right where I was when I deleted the email so I don't have to scroll all the way back down and search for where I was, you idiot!

Just because I bought something from your catalogue 100 years ago doesn't mean I need you to email me every single day for the rest of my life about all your great deals. You see, THIS is why I keep this email account in the first place. This account is for all you dirtbags who REQUIRE an email address from your customers and then bug the ever living crap out of them until the end of time. This is my garbage email account. The weak and rather useless spam filter on this account makes it mandatory that I not rely on this email account for anything of any real importance because if I did it would get buried under mountains of garbage emails from douche fountains like you.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Wake Up

Just a little tip: if you're falling asleep at your desk during the workday and coffee doesn't seem to be helping at all, take a little walk.

It's currently 29 degree Fahrenheit here today (-2 Celsius) so my usual walk around the parking lot was absolutely not an option. Instead, I chose to walk up 7 floors via the stairs and then walk back down again.

My legs are wobbly and my heart is pounding at a healthy pace. Best of all, I'm not sweaty because it didn't take quite long enough for my sweat glands to realize what was going on and soak me down like a car wash, the way they usually do. So, I did a quick workout, didn't get sweaty, woke myself up, and my legs feel like I just did squats at the gym.

I'm awake!

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

New Year Disasters

OK, so I talked more to my cousin about AR-style rifles and how useful they are for hunting. And since I wrote so disparagingly about them I researched them further and found that there are a million different things they are used for. Shooters have been customizing them for various purposes for a very long time, and loving the accuracy of them. Although apparently hunters find their .223 caliber weak for hunting, they can be purchased or altered for other calibers, larger and more powerful. Even in the .223 caliber, apparently with a longer barrel and a few other adjustments they can be made to produce enough velocity from the undersized bullets to be effective for hunting.

So anyway, I eat my words about the AR-style rifles. I never owned one and didn't realize that I even knew anyone else who did.

Soooo, I was cleaning up in my bonus room upstairs, emptying boxes and throwing them over the railing, down the stairs. I was sick at the time and not thinking or functioning clearly. One particular box which I thought I had emptied, I had unfortunately not, and when I threw it over the railing and down the stairs a flashlight flew out of it and hit the wall, making a big old hole in the sheetrock. Oh joy! The hole appeared to be directly across the railing, easy enough to fix. But when I stood on the stairs looking up at it, trying to decide how best to position the ladder so I could reach it, holy hell, it was HIGH!

So I bought my ladder in, wrestled with it for quite awhile, and finally determined that I couldn't reach it. So I hired someone.

Just over a week later I was home alone. I had been asked to clean the bathmats and a carpet that I don't recall where it came from. It was some carpet that we put in front of one of the doors. Anyway, I threw them all into the washing machine. And then I went on about my business cleaning the floor. Suddenly I heard a loud CLICK-CLICK-CLICK-CLICK-CLICK coming from the washer. I had heard this sound once before. It is a bad sound. I ran to the washer and turned it off. I pulled the carpets/mats out of it. I messed around with the drum of the now-empty washer and tried running it again. CLICK-CLICK-CLICK-CLICK. No luck. I turned the dial until I got it to drain. Once it was empty I tried again. CLICK-CLICK-CLICK-CLICK.

So, it's broken. I've ordered some new parts for it and I'm going to try to fix it. Apparently this is what happens when I'm left home alone for extended periods of time - I break everything. Not just small things, but big things. I'm hopeful that the parts I ordered are all it needs and things will be alright again once I replace the old parts. If not, looks like I'll be hiring yet another repairman to come to the house. And that'll mean taking time off from work so I can be here.

This is not how I'd wanted to start my new year.

So, how is your new year going so far? Anyone burned their own house down? Wrecked a car? Broken a window? Am I the only walking disaster here in the world of the Blog?