Back In Black

So, it's been, what, nearly a month since I was last well enough to go to the gym and attempt a workout? Well, not that I'm well, exactly, but I went anyway out of sheer frustration and impatience.

Over the weekend I had some ... er ... bathroom incidents that gave me the impression that whatever has made me sick is not entirely cleared up yet. I nearly crapped in the floor of WalMart. It was OK, though. I was in the toilet-related aisle, where they keep the plungers, etc.

Walmart even has vampires

Last Thursday, just out of frustration at not being able to get to the gym for the past 3 weeks or so, I did some push ups and chin ups and tricep extensions using my own personal dumbbells while watching TV. The push ups were OK. The tricep extensions I rocked. The chin ups were an embarrassment. I haven't done a chin up in about 2 years. I think my body forgot how and was hoping I wouldn't ever try to remember. I'm not one to be so easily put off, though, so I pulled up a chair and forced out several sets of negatives. And they hurt like hell.

Today in bodypump class apparently I had been gone for so long that everyone forgot my face. People looked at me like a stranger when I walked in. And I got stuck in a spot between several female fitness fanatics who made me look like a quadriplegic in comparison to them. As if that wasn't bad enough, a woman showed up late and just basically climbed up my ass and started working out right behind me. Seriously, when the classroom is full, go lift some free weights or something. Don't give me an enema just because you can't find a spot to set up your stuff. Either that or warn me that you're going to give me an enema and I'll let you have my spot and I'll go lift free weights. I need to anyway. It's been over 6 months since I was doing any heavy lifting and that is way too long.

Sagging push up

I was total crap today. I did OK with the squats until my knee started complaining. I was great with the overhead presses. I even did OK with the weighted lunge/overhead press combos. But by the time we got to the push ups and abs I was collapsing in the middle. I almost need a little jack to put under my stomach to hold it up while I'm doing my push ups. I think it would help.

My knee bothered me enough that at one point the instructor looked over at me and said those horrible words that no one wants to hear directed at them, "are you all right?"

"Yes," I nodded and kept rubbing my knee and wishing everyone would quit looking at me.

Show off!

The woman to my left was cranking out push ups like she was in the marines. And her ab work was like something from one of those TV fitness commercials where everyone looks perfect and never gets tired. If I weren't so afraid of sharting I might've been tempted to release a fart in her direction just to slow her down. But as I have been a human butt rocket for the past month or so, I thought better of it. No farting for me for awhile.

I was informed this past weekend that milk is not good for you because it contains an insane amount of sugar in the form of lactose. I have to be honest, I didn't know that lactose was sugar. And I also don't know if the lactose form of sugar is the same as any other sugar and affects you the same way. Do any of you know much about this? I'd really like to know because I drink a lot of milk. Do I need to stop?

How can this be bad for me?