The Weird Question Meme, part II

If this were Wordless Wednesday ...

Setting aside the fact that I never did The Weird Question Meme part I, here is a lovely meme that I stole from Momspective. Hey, don't hate on me for following mom blogs. Most of the blogs out there are mom blogs and some of them are really, really funny.

What is your ring size?

I have no clue, but my wedding ring was slightly too large when I got married and these days it's so tight that I hardly ever wear it. Yes, I know, why not just get it resized, you say. Well, mostly because I'm too lazy.

How often do you wear jewelry?

Considering that my wedding ring is the only jewelry I ever wore, aside from a wristwatch, and I hardly wear my ring anymore, and never wear my wristwatch, I'd have to say 'never'. Also, I hate wearing jewelry in general. If you gave me a $10,000 Rolex watch I'd still almost never wear it. I just don't like wearing jewelry.

When was the last time you consumed alcohol?  

I cannot remember, and that tells you absolutely nothing, really, because my neighbor is a DJ on a beer brewers radio program and regularly hands me strange cans and bottles of various unusual alcoholic beverages to try. One time I was in the middle of mowing my lawn when he suddenly appeared with a bottle and handed it to me. I drank it, of course, but it made finishing the mowing really awkward because my mower doesn't have cup holders.  Anyway, all I've really learned from all this alcoholic experimentation is that I do not like pale ales from India. Blech.

Any big plans for the summer?

I plan to put up with a ridiculous amount of abuse from pricks who don't know what the hell they're looking for, apparently. And that is my summer plan in a nutshell. So excited.

Oh Lord, I've just forgotten. What did I come in here for again?

What is your favorite comfort food?

This is where, in my former life, I would have answered 'Jessica Biel.' But this is a new life and I shall not resort to that. Although, to be fair, I would love to ... no, no, we aren't going down that road. My favorite comfort food is probably a cup of ice cream. Or maybe a pizza. Or even a bowl of cereal, depending on my mood. If I feel truly horrible, a good old-fashioned bowl of Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup is the only thing I crave. But that's for when I'm sick.

Do you prefer broccoli or asparagus?

I don't believe I've ever intentionally eaten asparagus in my entire life. So I suppose that just leaves broccoli.

What color are your bedroom walls?

I have no idea. Some sort of palish yellow, I believe. I didn't paint that room. I do recall being asked to choose the color at some point and I probably had something to do with the final choice, but I have  no memory of it.

With whom do you live?

A woman and 2 cats. And various insects that the stupid cats bring in riding on their thick fur. Mostly ticks. Oh, and apparently I've been providing a lovely feast to rodents in the attic in the form of rat poison that I left in a big tray months ago. There are three trays up there, all empty. I put each one down after discovering the previous one totally empty. This means that either the poison doesn't work and the rodents love the hell out of it, or else I have poisoned an entire village of rodents and hopefully they are leaving the attic at the first sign of illness and dying somewhere outside in the woods. I'd hate to think they're in our walls. Something about the thought of that makes me think of the movie "Poltergeist." Imagine how different that movie would have been if the house were built on a graveyard of old dead mice instead of humans. Yeah, kind of changes things a bit. Instead of little Drew Barrymore watching the TV screen and saying "they're here" it'd be my cats sitting patiently, staring at the digital snow and meowing that mice ghosts are coming. I'm not sure if mice ghosts scare me or not.

Which Star Wars movie is your favorite?

Whichever one features Carrie Fisher in a metal bikini, or Natalie Portman in a sprayed on white bodysuit, but not the one with Jar Jar Binks. He was really, really annoying. Can I break this into the 2 different eras of Star Wars movies and say that as a kid it was the one with Carrie Fisher in a metal bikini and as a grown man it was the one with Natalie Portman wearing an oddly revealing white bodysuit and that both my child-self and my adult-self hate Jar Jar Binks roughly equally? Me so hate him.

I see pervy people!

How about Harry Potter?

I watched all of them and I don't really have a favorite. I thought they were all pretty well done. And I say that as someone who has read all the books. What I find most interesting, though, is the raging fascination that emerged with Emma Watson, the actress who played Hermoine, and the vast numbers of men searching the internet for photos of her panties or an accidentally released boob or just anything even remotely sexy involving her. It's fortunate that she did turn out to be moderately attractive in adulthood because I think there might have been rioting if she hadn't. Of course, no sooner did Emma Watson turn 18 than Pippa Middleton's bottom emerged during her older sister's wedding and suddenly all eyes turned from  Emma's panties to Pippa's buttocks and all bets were off. I'll bet this wreaked havoc on the databases at Google when it occurred. And then some paparazzi perv snapped nude photos of Kate Middleton changing clothes and ... what were we originally talking about, anyway?

What was the last movie you saw in theaters?

Superman. Or, er, uh, Man of Steel. Which is the same thing. It was OK. The fight scenes were a bit chaotic and hard to follow. I mean, when everyone is super strong and super fast and each punch sends someone flying through several buildings there comes a point where you just go, "yeah, OK, so you are hitting each other really, really hard. I get it."

Did you get the popcorn or candy?

No, I don't do that anymore. If you get the popcorn, then you need something to drink with it. And if you get something to drink with it, especially in this age of 2 1/2 hour movies, you're going to be getting up and going to pee in the middle of the movie. It's funny that theaters make most of their money from sales of popcorn and Coke because the emergence of the extra long movies kind of interferes with that.

What is the most romantic text in your inbox?

"That suuuuuuuuucks!"

Have you ever played miniature golf on a date?

Yes, and I don't recommend it unless you are not particularly competitive and are prepared to take absolutely none of it seriously at all. We cheated like hell and still I was bad at it.

What’s a phrase you overuse?

"Did your car not come with any blinkers or is your cell phone somehow preventing you from using them, you idiot?"

Do you always use good grammar?

Well, I don't intentionally talk stupid, but sometimes I find it necessary to adopt the speaking habits of the people around me, such as if I'm trying not to get robbed downtown at 2 am or if I'm at the farmer's co-op and don't want to get run off for sounding too much like a yankee.

Do you have an accent or a speech impediment?

I have a perfect Dutch accent. I'm not Dutch and I've never been to Holland, but I'm a big fan of blonde-haired, blue-eyed women with high cheek bones and perfect teeth so I long ago learned to speak as if I were from their homeland. Perhaps one day if I ever meet a Dutch woman she'll be impressed. In the meantime, I live in the Southern United States and people just think it's weird.

What did you eat today?

Protein shake, a ham sandwich, some beef and a piece of cornbread.

What do you do at work?

Currently I mostly put up with a-holes.

Do you know the rules to any sports?

I've played enough of them for years and years that I should  hope I do. I was even a line judge for a soccer league for a season. Sometimes I thought the coaches didn't know the rules, but I certainly knew them well enough.

Sometimes watching from the stands is OK

Do you prefer to watch or play sports?

It depends on which sport. I played basketball for years, so watching meant I was on the bench, which was a bad thing. I never learned to enjoy watching basketball. Soccer was the same way. I almost  never watch soccer or basketball. I like to watch football and hockey, though.

What is your favorite kind of hat to wear?

My favorite kind of hat to wear is my big, floppy beach hat because if I'm wearing it that means I'm at the beach. It's a dorky looking hat, or perhaps it's more accurate to say that I look dorky in it, but I don't care as long as I'm at the beach.

Do you pray?

Sometimes. Not as much as I used to. I don't know what to say anymore.

To whom do you pray?

There's this guy named Jehovah. I generally only ever pray to him.

What is the closest mountain to your house?

There is nothing even remotely resembling a mountain anywhere near my house.

What size engine is in your vehicle?

Which vehicle? Since you didn't specify I'll just list them all from smallest to largest - 2.4 liter, 3.8 liter, 5.7 liter, 5.8 liter, 6.4 liter, and finally my baby, with a 7.0 liter high compression, forged steel crank, mega cam, oval port, tire roasting machine.

What do you need to do tomorrow?

Pick myself up, dust myself off and start all over again