Friday, October 21, 2011

Fatty McFattenfat

OK, so something weird is happening. Or maybe I'm just a moron?

I've reduced the amount of milk in my diet. I now mix my protein and creatine with water instead of milk. And the only other sports drink I'm taking in is something called Essential AmiN.O. Energy, which is an energy and recovery drink mix.

Other than that, I'm taking my usual vitamins, massive doses of steroids and human growth hormone .... no, wait, I'm thinking of Madonna. I'm not taking any steroids or human growth hormone. Not that I wouldn't if some nice person were to offer to give me some. Lord knows I need it.

Anyway, since dropping milk almost entirely I've noticed that my stomach seems to have swelled up like a Hoppity Hop.

For those of you in places like the UK or Australia, I'm going to just assume you had Hoppity Hops and simply called them something else, because you guys always do that, so I'm providing a photo:


I don't know exactly what is causing me to feel and look this way, but I'm looking pregnant. I swear I could pop out a little alien baby at any moment. It'd have to tear through my stomach, though, because I'm a man and thus lack a vagina.

Pink - seriously, its just for girls
Speaking of men with vaginas, as I was leaving the gym I passed a man wearing a pink shirt and tie coming in. I looked at his shirt and then up at his face. He looked away in shame rather than make eye contact. Dude, I have to ask, if you know how pathetic that is, why are you wearing it in the first place? Did you lose a bet or something?

Feels like this guy hit me
Anyway, I did legs today. Every machine in this gym is new to me, so it was a bit of an experience. After the weights I went upstairs and ran a mile on the treadmill in hopes of moving some of the lactic acid from Wednesday's chest workout and today's leg workout out of the muscles. I'm in agony from Wednesday. My chest feels like someone took a giant plank and whopped me across the chest with it. I can barely move my arms and shoulders. This, of course, caused me to run funny while on the treadmill. I'm sure all the college girls surrounding me noticed that and were likely thinking to themselves, "that man with the hoppity hop belly sure does run funny."

Don't hate

Thank you. I don't need your criticisms. Don't hate.




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10 comments:

  1. KJOctober 21, 2011 at 5:45 PM

    Yeah, we had/have those 'hoppity hops' here, but for the life of me, I can't think what they were called. Maybe they were hoppity hops?

    I would say that your excessive bloating would just be from reaction to not having milk. Don't give up though! Give it some time.

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  2. alanaOctober 21, 2011 at 9:15 PM

    It's not the milk. Promise. It's the protein powder. Kid you not ..this happened to me 4 months ago and I stopped using the protein powder all together and the mysterious baby pouch disappeared as quickly as it came.

    Or maybe it's marshmallows. IDK ...

    Good luck!

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  3. Padded Cell PrincessOctober 22, 2011 at 5:21 AM

    I still can't wrap my head around milk being that bad. I'd just go back to it! When you mentioned that you didn't have a vagina, I instantly thought of Old Greg! Don't know if you've seen it or even heard of it:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4LZo9ugJTWQ
    It's the craziest thing I've ever seen!

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  4. EmileOctober 23, 2011 at 7:45 PM

    Ute, I just assumed the Aussies would come up with a much more creative name. Now I'm all disappointed. :-(

    Alana, I had wondered if it was the protein powder. Especially when I started mixing it with water I started suspecting it. Today I saw my reflection in a store window and I looked like a pregnant woman in a t-shirt. It was horrifying. So what do you do for a source of protein?

    PaddedCellPrincess, that is the weirdest clip I've ever seen!

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  5. alanaOctober 24, 2011 at 8:13 AM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

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  6. EmileOctober 24, 2011 at 9:54 AM

    Alana, see, now you have my full and undivided attention. But I can't really use that protein supply. I mean, I can supply it to others, but I can't, or I don't want to ... you know what I mean.

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  7. alanaOctober 25, 2011 at 9:56 PM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

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  8. EmileOctober 26, 2011 at 4:52 PM

    Alana, no need to stop. This is the most fun I've had in a long time.

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  9. AnonymousNovember 2, 2011 at 1:13 AM

    I think maybe we called then hoppity hops too Ute!

    Bloating sounds like you've developed some sort of food intolerance.....

    Or aliens have taken over you guts :0(

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  10. EmileNovember 2, 2011 at 10:47 AM

    AlleyCat, maybe I unknowingly ate an alien and I have an intolerance for them?

    ReplyDelete

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