Thursday, June 16, 2011

World Economics Explained

Over the years, a great deal of confusion has arisen as to what, exactly, the various differing forms of government are really all about, and what the differences are in their approach to basic economics. With that in mind, I have attempted to explain as many of the world's governing economic theories as possible by using farm animals.

You have 2 cows. The State takes one and gives it to your lazy, drug-addicted neighbor who never works. Then they tax you on both cows.

You have 2 cows. The State takes both cows and gives it to the police. Then they shoot you and send your family to labor camps as punishment for your 'greed'

You have 2 cows. The State takes them, but forces you to continue taking care of them and milking them. Then you have to buy the milk from The State.

You have 2 cows. The State determines that you are Jewish and probably obtained those cows through trickery and deceit, so they take the cows and send you to a death camp.

You have 2 cows. The State determines that your cows are polluters and mandates that you fit them with carbon-filter diapers and feed them only fresh fruit and vegetables. Also, the cows must be documented to determine if they might be secret terrorist agents. One of the cows 'moos' and The State tasers it to death, then charges you with resisting arrest. You are taken to jail and Tasered for several days until it is discovered that The State actually meant to go to the farm next door and ended up at your farm by mistake. You are set free with no apology or admission of wrong-doing by The State. You now have one cow and severe emotional trauma from being tortured. You have nightmares and flashbacks and fall into a deep depression that leaves you unable to maintain your cow. The cow dies from neglect.

You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies you become wealthy. You sell them and retire on your own earned wealth.

Current American Capitalism
You have 2 cows. The US Congress decides that you are a racist because black farmers don't have as many cows as you. The Department of Justice kicks in your door with a 'no-knock' warrant, shoots your wife and kicks you in the testicles despite the fact that you were surrendering. They drag you to Washington where you are forced to testify before the House as to why you are a racist who doesn't allow black farmers to have cows. Barney Frank orders you to give your cows to random inner city black people who aren't even farmers. Now you have no cows. The people who now have your cows don't take care of them and they die. Banks are ordered to package and sell shares in American farms without revealing that the Government has stolen all the cows from the farms. Investors are duped into buying the bad farm stocks. The stocks nosedive. The economy collapses. Barney Frank has you arrested again and dragged back before Congress. He accuses you of "testosterone-fueled crimes and reckless farming resulting in the destruction of the economy." You try to point out that it was the Government itself that wrecked the economy, but are warned to shut up or be charged with contempt of Congress and Tasered in the genitals until you are dead, which Congress insists does not qualify as torture. You ask for Congress' definition of 'torture' because it is illegal to torture in the United States according to Federal Law. You are informed that Federal Law doesn't provide an actual definition of torture in the law prohibiting torture and thus it is legal to torture you. You marvel at the circular logic. The Press reports that you and all other "testosterone poisoned" farmers like you are to blame for wrecking the economy. Meanwhile, Barney Frank and the US Department of Justice resumes arresting white farmers and taking their cows to give to black people who live in the inner city. The economy falls into full fledged Depression. The Press reports that the economy is actually in a Recovery. No one sees any signs of a Recovery. Inflation explodes. There are no jobs. The Press attempts to distract from the disastrous economy by reporting on harmless emails from Sarah Palin and 'junk shots' from Representative Weiner. You begin moving what is left of your family to Canada. At the first available opportunity, you flee to Vancouver and become a Canucks fan. You boo Boston with extreme enthusiasm and warn your children to never again set foot in the United States for any reason because the authorities there are corrupt and out of control. You are assassinated by US Army Rangers who illegally crossed the border in search of 'terrorist' farmers who escaped from America. Your children flee to Australia and buy 2 cows. They begin farming again and become prosperous. Australia wins the World Cup. China invades America, confiscating all American assets and selling them on Ebay.

Enron Capitalism
You have 2 cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get four cows back, with tax credits for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder of your company, who sells the rights to seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says that your company owns eight cows, with options to buy one more. You sell one cow to buy stock in Worldcom, leaving you with listed assets of nine cows. No balance sheet is ever included with your quarterly or annual reports. The public buys your bull.

Anderson Model Capitalism
You have 2 cows. You shred them both.

French Socialist Capitalism
You have 2 cows. You go on strike, organize a riot and block the road because you want 3 cows. No one is tending your cows.

Japanese Capitalism
You have 2 cows. You redesign them so they are 1/10th the size of an ordinary cow, but produce the same amount of milk. You create a cow cartoon called 'Cowkimon' and market it successfully worldwide. You use the money from Cowkimon to build a video game company that produces Cowkimon games and merchandise. The first Cowkimon movie is a raging success. You become a billionaire.

German Socialist Capitalism
You have 2 cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves while you go to a bar and get drunk.

Italian Socialist Capitalism
You have 2 cows, but you don't know where they are. You go out for lunch and a nap.

Spanish Socialist Capitalism
You may have 2 cows, but you aren't sure because you haven't seen them in awhile. You don't care.

Russian Socialist Capitalism
You have 2 cows. The police arrest you and charge you with tax evasion. Your cows are given to Putin's brother-in-law. You are never allowed to speak at any of your trials. There is no evidence of your guilt, yet you are still held in prison. You are never seen or heard from again.

Swiss Capitalism
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the farmers for storing them on your property.

Chinese Fascism
You have 2 cows. You are not allowed to milk them without a permit from the Government. The Government decides to only allow you to milk one cow. A farm supervisor is appointed to 'help' you run your farm. He reports that you have 20 cows and 300 people milking them. The Government says your farm has full employment and high bovine productivity. Anyone who says otherwise is arrested and shot.

Indian Capitalism
You have 2 cows. You build a house for them and worship them. You live in a mud hut and eat grass.

British Socialist Capitalism
You have 2 cows. Both are mad. The Government has installed 10,000 CCTV cameras on your farm to monitor you and your cows. You masturbate to photos of Pippa Middleton and dream of moving to Spain.

Iraqi Capitalism
Everyone thinks you have many cows. You tell them you have none while secretly moving your 2 cows to Syria. American Intelligence reports to the President that you have 100 cows. They bomb the shit out of you. Your 2 cows in Syria are eventually discovered, but by then no one believes that you had any cows at all. One of your cows escapes to Pakistan where it is shot dead.

New Zealand Capitalism
You have 2 cows. The one on the left is looking pretty sexy.

Australian Capitalism
You have 2 cows. Business is good, so you close the office and go for a few celebratory beers.

You are the cow. Give us milk right now or else we'll kill you and eat you.

You have 2 cows. You make one cow a god and accuse the other cow of blasphemy against the cow god.


  1. hilarious, and so true. i miss capitalism... regular style.

  2. Awesome! My husband and I were laughing over this and want to sign up with the Germans!

  3. so. we're gonna win the world cup??? Cool!!!!

    I'm not so sure Dad should have sold the farm after reading this......

    giggled right through the are very clever Mr EP :0)

  4. TheFace, I miss it, too, back when we were free and life was good.

    Gucci, thank you, an Australian friend named Ute sent a version of it to me and I felt compelled to change it all to better fit with my personal version of reality. I'm glad you like it.

    PaddedPrincess, interestingly, back when Obama first became President he tried to convince the Canadian and European governments to join him in his economic vision. France and Germany both declined, telling him his 'vision' was just old-fashioned socialism, which they had already tried and failed, and they wanted no part of it. For the past 2 years 2 nations' economies have consistently outperformed the United States - France and Germany. Meanwhile, Canadians have recently elected a more capitalist-oriented government and are looking to improve their situation, as well. In the midst of all this, America's White House continues to centralize and control more and more, promising a recovery while delivering only poverty and oppression.

    Ute, I hope you like my version of it. I saw things a bit differently than the person who wrote yours. :-)

    AlleyCat, absolutely! With all the flooding and fires in the US, the price of milk and beef is going up. Your dad sold the farm? Did he use the money to buy gold, silver or copper? Well, Australia's economy is doing much better than ours at the moment, but if Julia gets that carbon tax thing through then that will change. Here's hoping Australian legislators see the light and resist that economy-destroying religious mistake.