Monday, August 1, 2011
We had a substitute trainer today at the gym. I had never seen her before. I shall never forget her, though.
I knew she was up to no good when I came in and was told that I would need every single weapon available in the room - weighted bar, balance ball, medicine ball, 2 different cables, step plus 3 risers on each end, multiple dumbbells, mat. And by God, we used them, every one.
I was so oxygen deprived midway through the class that I can barely remember much about what all we did. I just remember that it was fast. We moved quickly and if you stopped to breathe or get some water or wipe sweat off your face or the floor then you were instantly behind.
I heard weights hitting the floor throughout the class as people grew exhausted and gave up, dropping their weights and trying to catch their breath.
I tried to drop my weights quietly so the college girls wouldn't hear me wimping out. Of course, they could SEE me wimping out if they looked my way, but I was counting on their not wanting me to look at them and thus avoiding looking at me to prevent eye contact as my protective invisibility shield. I realize that girls all pumped up on estrogen have the peripheral vision of an owl and can virtually see in all directions at once, but I'd prefer to believe that none of them saw me stopping and falling behind. Let's just agree to say that they didn't.
We did exercises I had only ever seen in horror movies - squatting low, pressing weights overhead and then jumping as high as we could before landing in a lunge and then dropping into pushups and oddly rolling into a ball and falling forward for some Martian tricep push-back exercise that I had never heard of before. I'm surprised we didn't do any handstand presses from a sitting position. No one mention those to her or I swear to God she'll make us do that next time!
After class she started talking to a soccer player about how his squats are wrong. She pressed her chest against the mirrors and slid her body down the glass, jutting her ass straight back and then rising up again. I know I have watched strippers do that move before, but she insisted that it is a good way to work on your form for squats because it forces you to keep your chest up and thrust your hips back. To me it just looks like a sexual position that young girls on silver poles use to get extra money thrown up onstage. But who am I to say?
She commented on my form since I was standing there watching her do her stripper squats. Apparently she noticed that I do a certain exercise differently than everyone else. She made us use the weighted bar to squat down, then press the bar overhead, then stand straight up, lower the bar, and repeat again and again times 1000. I found that my form didn't feel right when my hands were close together like everyone else was doing, so I slid them out wide and turned it into an Olympic style snatch move. It felt right to me that way, so I stuck with it. But apparently it looked odd to her. Except that my form was good so she hadn't said anything during class.
All that jumping and not stopping to breath turned my legs into rubber. I wobbled out of the classroom and went to the showers. That was almost 3 hours ago and I'm still wobbling. I suspect I shall wobble for the rest of the day. Perhaps even the rest of the week.
Cursed evil woman.