Sunday, September 9, 2012

Run, Run, Run for the Bathroom

My bike is still broken. Friday after work I tried 2 different places looking for a new derailleur. Apparently sporting goods shops don't carry much in the way of bicycle parts. And bike shops close at 6 all week long. Why 6 I don't know, but it's very annoying. So anyway, my bike is still broken.

I planned to do a workout after work Friday night. Instead I stopped at Sonic and ate a hamburger. I thought I'd hit the gym Friday and then fix my bike on Saturday. By the time I'd gotten home and eaten supper it was after 8. I ended up sitting on the couch in front of the TV.

A small town adjacent to where I live has an annual craft fair and car show. I went to it today at around noon. It's a big deal for the town and every year the show/fair grows a little larger. This year was the largest number of cars that I've ever seen at this particular car show and the booths for crafts, etc, completely encircled the town hall. I was there for hours, just walking and looking at cars, taking photos, occasionally talking to people about their cars.

By the time I left the car show I was sunburned. In fact, I seem to be about as burned as a hot dog after its been on a stick and held over an open fire. I drove a half mile down the road and stopped at an Italian restaurant for lunch/dinner. It was about 4 o'clock. I ate a Stromboli and went home.

My bike was still laying on the back porch where I'd left it following the storm that I got trapped in when the bike broke. I picked it up and rolled it into the shop out back. There was no point in leaving it out if I wasn't going to have new parts to fix it with for awhile. Then I reluctantly put on my running shorts and shoes and went out for a run.

It wasn't particularly hot outside, but with my sunburn I couldn't seem to tell exactly what the real temperature was. I ran for maybe a mile. A deer in the field next to the road suddenly leapt up and started running through someone's crops away from me. I wasn't doing very well, but it's normal for me to struggle the first mile. What isn't normal is what began to happen in my abdomen. I was rumbling like a volcano. I started up the cascading hills when I heard a car coming down. These hills have a lot of blind spots because of the way they're formed. A runner is easy to miss until your car is directly on top of him. There isn't really a shoulder for me to step off to. It's just ditch and snakes and things.

My sudden rumbling inside wasn't going away. I decided to cross the road before the car came down and killed me and start running back the way I'd came. I was fast developing an emergency need to take a crap and I was out a mile from the house on the same stretch of road that my bike had broken on and left me stranded in the rain. I ran a little and decided that if I didn't want to crap in my shorts it might be best for me to stop and walk. I don't ever walk when I'm running, but this seemed like a special situation.

I walked until I was nearly at the base of the super hill, the short, very steep hill that I like to run my sprints on. At this point I had to run. I figured this was a crap workout and I wasn't going to get much out of it, but at least I could run my favorite hill. I straightened up and got up on my toes. I tried to stride like an Olympic runner, with perfect form. That's how I felt, but I'm sure I looked quite a bit different to anyone else who might've seen me. Still, I managed to run up to the top of the hill without crapping myself and that was an accomplishment.

Once I reached the top I had planned to walk, but it was all downhill after that for a ways so I decided to just cruise and keep jogging along. I jogged to the bottom of the hill and then turned north onto the connecting street. I jogged along until I reached the bottom of my own street. I was slumping down and running with pretty crappy form at this point. I decided I'd straighten up, focus on my form and stride to the first telephone pole. After that I'd walk to the house as a cool-down.

I walked all the way up to my house and started to walk past it to finish my cool-down. But I heard something behind me. It was a strange sound. I finally turned around as I was well past my house and in the process of passing my neighbors' house. There, out in the street chasing after me, was my retarded cat. And she was making strange sounds at me. Maine coons don't really meow much. They don't have strong voices. She was meowing as much as she could, apparently panicked that I was leaving her behind again. She had followed me across the yard when I had first started out for my run and I left her behind somewhere on my street. I hadn't expected her to be waiting for me. My cat is a stalker.

She and I went into the house and I sprinted for the bathroom. While I sat on the toilet I had a chance to look at my arms and legs. They were a lot more burned than I had realized. I was a lovely shade of purple. No wonder I was feeling so bad.       This was a crappy run. I don't think I accomplished much. And now I'm burned, too. I have a race in 2 weeks and I've got a lot of work to do. This isn't a good start.


  1. Haven't been sunburned in years, I try to stay away from the sun.

    Been burned in other ways though, which stings just as much.

  2. Mustangs!!

    Hahaha, your cat is hilarious!

    Think your body is working against you. It seems to be telling you something.

  3. Dude! You didn't crap yourself! That's HUGE accomplishment in my book!!

  4. I was so gonna do a post about running & pooping the other day!!! I feel your pain.

    Hope the sunburn subsides soon (you weren't wearing your sunscreen & a hat because.........???????????)

    Same cat as the last post? He's a funny fella!!!

  5. It's funny- You seem to be able to write about crapping and get away with it. If I wrote about it, I'd probably lose readers!

  6. Annika, I'm like a walking piece of toast. My body can't figure out what temperature it wants to be. But the worst pain is in my legs because apparently I'm in pathetic condition and that lousy run has me stiff and sore. Augh!

    Ute, I think my body is telling me "OMG FML" but I'm trying to fight it and force some sort of achievement on it. I don't have much to be happy about, so I need this race to give me something to look forward to. My cat is retarded. Maine coons are just weird in the way they'll follow you like a dog. They all do that. We lost our other cat for over a week once when he followed me in the snow and then disappeared. We didn't know what happened to him until I finally put flyers out about my lost cat and then suddenly he came home again. Catnappers took him!

    Vapid, thank you, I should write that down on my calendar as a major victory for the day. I guess considering my lousy physical condition I should take whatever wins I can get. FML

    AlleyCat, Ha! Beat you to the running poops post! Pooya! Yeah, I walked out the door without my hat, totally forgot to sunscreen up, thought I'd only be there for maybe an hour. I hadn't expected the show to be more than double the size it had been the last time I went. I was there with nothing else to do for hours. Yeah, same retarded cat. Somewhere I have a video of her pressed against the glass, swimming like a fish trying to get my attention to let her in. It is hilarious.

    Ute, I did lose a reader, just not on this blog. HA HA! You know where I mean. Someone came and a week later went away again. I haven't increased my reader count in months. Apparently I'm in a rut of non-creativity. You know, I didn't think about it, but this poop post probably should've gone in the other place, KWIM.

  7. Man, you're so candid about your biology. Most other people, when blogging, pretend that they are exempt from body waste disposal duties, but you say it loud and proud. That's good.

    And dude, I just want to clarify that I made up that whole thing about Ellie Goulding's grandma being burnt at the stake on account of having a big chin, and subsequently being accused as a witch. I was trying to be funny. Jay Leno's chin is a thing of beauty, an American preserve of heritage. Big chins are cool... just as long as they're on a man.

  8. At least you were out there doing it! As my brother always says: "Keep up the training" I've done nothing but eat and watch TV since we got back from cycling the Pyrenees...