Finding a New Gym

Old injury forces me to take up cycling

So, in case I haven't mentioned it already, and I can't recall if I have or not, I have moved from the city I was living in when I started this blog to a new city. I gave up my job and my awesome gym with the Bodypump classes and college girls to move to a city I don't care for where I took a higher paying and much more demanding job. I joined a gym near my house, but I rarely went to it after sustaining a calf injury that seemed to just hang around bothering me forever. That calf injury led to me digging my old road bike out of the shed and cleaning it up to ride. I rode until winter when the darkness would overtake my neighborhood before I had even arrived home from work. There are few street lights where I live, so riding at night is not an option. 

I have not run or trained at all since my last race in September or October. I can't remember which month it was. I did manage to injure my back during that time, though. So awesome.

So, I joined a new gym last week. From the outside and looking at their website it looks very similar to my old gym at the University. But walking around I see a significant difference or two.

Old city's average citizen

In my previous city, the average citizen there has at least an undergraduate degree. There are a high number of people with masters degrees. Doctorates are also fairly common. Almost everyone either works for the defense department or NASA in some capacity, whether they are employed directly by them or through a contracted company.

New city's average citizen (skin color may vary)

In this city, the average citizen here has at least one arrest for a criminal offense of some sort. There are a high number of gang members. Drug dealers are also fairly common. A lot of people here don't work at all and simply draw welfare.

Old gym's average female client

At my old gym, being on a college campus, most of the females were college girls and somewhat pretty. I'm not saying I gawked at them or anything. I was there to work out, after all. Observing the female population wasn't really the purpose of being there. But attractive females weren't rare.

New gym's average female client

At my new gym, being in this city where beauty is harder to find than crack cocaine, I didn't see a single attractive female anywhere in the gym at all. To be fair, I just got there and haven't even worked out there yet. I just took the tour and looked around. Fairly empty gym, except for the treadmills, etc. No attractive females at all. Not one.

Old gym's pool

At my old gym, the swimming pool was enormous and always filled with people swimming laps. I never got a chance to use it.

New gym's pool

At my new gym, the swimming pool is large enough for doing laps. It was filled with old white guys, all of whom had beards, one of whom was oddly splashing over and over and over, like a mentally ill person or a child might do. Only 2 men were swimming laps.

Old gym during lunch hour

At my old gym, during lunch every single day there were workout classes with a lead trainer to guide you, including bodypump and spin classes. There were also plenty of classes early in the morning and after work, running from 5 to 7 each night.

New gym during lunch hour

At my new gym, there are absolutely no classes of any kind during lunch. None. There are 2 classes offered at 5 am and again after work at 5:30 pm. 2 classes.

At my old gym, the entire building was shiny and new, even if the equipment wasn't necessarily all that new. Most of it was, but not all of it, and it didn't really matter. The main thing was that it worked. The free weight area had a steady stream of dedicate athletes, many of whom were college students, and sometimes it could get crowded despite the enormous floor space available for the free weights.

At my new gym, the entire building looks damp inside, somehow. I don't know how to explain it. I think it has been there awhile. The equipment looks perfectly fine. There was absolutely no one working out in the free weight area. Not a single person. The person showing me around said that was unusual, but couldn't explain why it was completely vacant.

Old city - I have friends

In my old city, I had a large group of friends, all of whom worked out and some of whom compete in triathlons. They had me considering attempting to compete in a triathlon myself.

New city - I am alone

In this new city, I don't have a lot of friends. Some of them work out, but I don't know which ones. None of them are into triathlons at all. If I do train for a triathlon, chances are I'll enter one in my old city and go there to race, perhaps hooking up with some of my old friends for support.

Today at lunch I was planning to go to this new gym and give it a try. I haven't worked out in months, as I said. I know it won't be epic. I packed my gym back with all my old stuff in preparation, but I can't find my lock for the lockers. I have a pack of 3 combination locks, all with the same combination for in case I lose one and need another and don't want to have to learn a new combination. But now I can't find any of them. They're all together somewhere. So instead of going to the gym, today during lunch I'll be going to the store to buy new locks.

Yeah, I'm off to a roaring start, and not terribly motivated.

The Basically Obscure Meme

It’s that time again, Thursday, where I steal a meme from Julie Maloney and try to act like it's my own original creation. Well, except for me telling you right off the top that I stole it from Julie Maloney. Speaking of Julie, she's got a funny blog and you should check it out sometime. Anyway, here is my latest meme, because I haven't been to the gym in months and other than a visit to the vampire, er, doctor to have a bunch of blood drawn and tested I don't really have any news to blog about ...

We need to take some blood for ... uh... medical purposes

1: Do you notice a persons eye color?
 Not usually. I mean, unless they have really striking eyes or they are up in my face making intense eye contact, I don't. I have even had girls kiss me and I didn't register their eye color. I guess I'm probably more of a boob man.

Sorry, did I say that out loud?

What color are her eyes?

2: White, milk, or dark chocolate mocha?
Hmm,  a chocolate question ... uh ... I like white chocolate. I have a Zero candy bar sitting on top of the refrigerator that has been there for weeks. I like milk chocolate, too. Somewhere up there is a Hershey bar next to the Zero bar. I'm not as big a fan of dark chocolate, but I'll eat it. But as far as all of this relating to a mocha, I'm not a mocha drinker. First of all, I don't know where around here I'd get one. Second of all, not having been to the gym in months I really shouldn't be drinking those in the first place. I take my coffee black, without all the creme and calories and sugary stuff.

3: If you could get a tattoo free, would you do it? what would it be?
I don't think the price of the tattoo is really the issue here. I used to be an artist and a lot of my friends were artists, too. One of them took his art to a tattoo parlor to sell and, mostly, to meet hot girls who were into tattoos and wild kinky sex. It actually paid off for him, I think, but more in the kinky sex department than the money for his art. Anyway, if something meant a lot to me, REALLY meant a lot, then I might get a very personal tattoo relating to it. Most tattoos are personal to the person wearing it. But so far I have never felt the urge to do that. I have a friend back in my hometown who moved from Minnesota down to Alabama. She's a bartender. She arrived beautiful and tattoo-free. In the course of 2 short years she totally covered her entire remarkable Playboy body in ink. She said it was something she'd always wanted to do. Perhaps if I had more friends like her, more friends with ink, it might be something of importance to me. But because I don't .... eh, not likely.

4: Did you grow up in a small or big town? Did you like it?
 I grew up in a town that was considered a moderate size, not big and not small, and it was primarily a government town with lots of people having security clearances and getting paid only OK money for work that required high intelligence. Today it has all switched around and the government hires and promotes based on sex and race and other factors having nothing to do with qualifications. The pay is twice what anyone makes in the free market and many joke about not really doing any work. But the legacy of high IQ families moving there for top secret jobs has created a community of highly intelligent individuals all living and working together. It's a great place, overall, and I wish I still lived there.

5: Your favorite adult as a child? (and not your parents, if they were your favorite)
As a child? How small of a child? When I was really little I'd say Mister Rogers was my favorite adult. He never got mad or yelled at me or made me feel bad about myself. When I was beginning to outgrow Mister Rogers I'd say it was Mister King, the man who called and asked if I wanted to play basketball on a team he was coaching. I said I'd give it a try. That was the start of my involvement in athletics. If not for him, I don't know where I would have ended up, but when I look at the path my older brother chose, not having sports in his life or a coach to help direct him, I thank God for Mister King and basketball.

6: What kind of smoothie sounds really good right now?
 Uh, this meme was written by a woman for other women, I'm thinking. All these questions about food. I don't know. I'm not a big smoothie person. The last smoothie I had was a very expensive protein smoothie. I didn't drink it for the smoothie part. I drank it for the 30 grams of protein it held. Not that it wasn't good. It's just that 'good' wasn't the point.

7: Most embarrassing moment from your elementary school years?
I remember the day I introduced my best friend's sister to the concept of Captain Underwear. I was still young enough to think it funny to strip to my underwear and run around the back yard pretending to fly like Superman while yelling "Caaaaaaptaaaaaaain Uuuuuuuunderweaaaaaaaaar!" But when I showed my best friend's twin younger sisters, suddenly I realized it was embarrassing to be in my underpants in front of girls. And also I think maybe they thought I was an idiot.  

Captain Underwear

8: Most embarrassing moment from your middle school years?
Pretty much every single moment from the first day of 6th grade until the last day of 8th grade was one endless humiliation. One that stands out was when a bunch of boys were chasing Adrienne Kump around the room trying to snap her bra. She was laughing, but they couldn't catch her. She ran up to me and stopped with her back to me. So I stood up from my desk and popped it. Suddenly she was mad and tried to kick me in the crotch. I caught her foot and briefly considered flipping her onto her head. But I had a massive crush on her and didn't want to actually hurt her, so I didn't. Still, the fact that she was fine with every other boy popping her bra and so angry when I did it that she would do something as horrible as that to me, even though she failed, absolutely crushed me. I spent the rest of middle school an emotional wreck after that and barely talked to girls at all. Ironically, in 9th grade she and I had a class together and she seemed interested in me. But I wasn't having anything to do with her.

9: Most embarrassing moment from your high school years?
Probably when I took a girl to a sorority dance and actually tried to dance. I was awful. That was probably only slightly less embarrassing than when I got both braces and a new girlfriend around the same time and I tried to kiss her for the first time. That did not go well at all. She dumped me not long after that when I made an excuse not to go to a dance. Between my bad braces kisses and my inability to dance I guess I was just too much of a loser for her.

10: Have you ever fired anyone?
Yes, I fired my personal trainer after he became so insistent on telling me his conspiracy theories that it started interfering with training me. Also, he started working out with me, having me spot him and generally serve as his workout partner. It reached a point where I wasn't sure what I was paying him for, but I wasn't getting the results I needed and he was driving me insane with all the crazy. After that I fired my doctor when I told him about working out with a trainer for a year and a half, plus tracking my diet and keeping my calories to an average of 2100 per day and yet losing exactly 0 pounds. He called me a liar and insisted that was impossible. But what he didn't do was conduct any tests to see if something was wrong, such as my thyroid. I enjoyed firing my doctor. It was very satisfying. And I think I may have been the first patient he ever had to say "you're fired" to him judging from his reaction.

11: Have you ever climbed a tree more than twenty feet off the ground? 
Oh hell yes. Once I moved beyond the Captain Underwear phase, my friend and his sisters and I used to climb every tree in the neighborhood. Some of them were enormous and we'd compete to see who could get to the highest point in the tree. We didn't stop climbing until the tree top was bending with our weight and we didn't feel safe going any further up. Climbing down was the hardest part. Up was easy in comparison.  I don't think our parents had any clue we did this, although at the time it never occurred to me what a terrifying thing it would be for a parent to see their kids 4 stories high clinging to a tree as the top began to bend with their weight and the wind blew the tree back and forth. We thought it was a blast. These days, in the age of helicopter parenting, I don't see any of my neighbors kids climbing anything. It's very strange how different our childhoods were from the kids of today. I don't envy kids these days or their electronic worlds.

You didn't have a childhood if you never did this 

12: Did you like swinging as a child? Do you still get excited when you see a swing set?
I loved to swing as a child. My dad, ever the money saver, built our swing set out of enormous square blocks of wood, steel tension cables, and chains. We had the tallest swing set in the neighborhood and the largest backyard. The taller the swing set, the higher you can swing in it, and we took full advantage. The greatest fun was seeing how high you could swing and then jumping out at the peak, flying through the air and landing in the grass. My dad had a swing of his own, a porch swing. He even had our back porch built just so he'd have a good place to put his swing. Every day after work he'd go out back and sit in his porch swing and just swing back and forth, relaxing from the work day and thinking. Sometimes I'd go out there and swing with him, both of us sitting side-by-side, and talking and swinging. These days if I see a porch swing I think of my dad and the fact that I'll never get to sit and swing and talk to him again.

13: If you could have any pet in the world, illegal or not, what would you get? 
 Megan Fox. Seriously, a man would have to be a fool not to choose this.

Fox

14: What’s your favorite place to relax? 
It occurs to me just now that I don't really have a favorite place to relax. This is probably a bad thing. I have a front and back porch on my house, and sometimes we sit out there. But I'm never alone and just relaxing. I don't know that I have a place that I can go and just be alone and relax.

15: What’s your most favorite part of your personality? 
Um .... my shamelessly snarky personality? My willingness to open my mouth and make my thoughts known, come hell or high water? My excellent vocabulary? I don't know.

16: Madonna or Lady Gaga? Neither? Both?
Both are irrelevant. At least Lady Gaga seems to realize how irrelevant she is and doesn't take herself too seriously, but Madonna seems totally put out by the fact that Lady Gaga has come along and shamelessly stolen her old act.

Who even cares which one this is?

17: Have you ever watched the Superbowl all the way through?
I've watched many Superbowls all the way through. I'm a Cowboys fan and have been since I was little. I used to have a reason to watch Superbowls, back in the days when Dallas was a good team. These days, with Jerry Jones imagining himself a football genius, I usually skip the Superbowl. I guess after Jerry Jones dies I might watch it again, if Dallas gets a new owner who stays out of the way. I still remember Tom Landry.

18: Have you ever watched any major sporting event live?
I've been to an Atlanta Falcons game where the San Francisco 49ers and Joe Montana stomped them into the ground without mercy. I've been to AA baseball games where Jose Canseco and Mark McGwire, still relative unknowns, would strut out to the plate, enormously outsized in comparison to all the other players, and crush the baseball out of the park. We knew they must be juicing because their upperbodies were ridiculously huge compared to all the other players, especially Canseco's, but we didn't care. They were amazing to watch. I've been to an Alabama college football game where they stomped Louisiana Tech into the ground. I've been to an Auburn college football game where they stomped Temple University into the ground. I've been to lots and lots and lots of hockey games and seen more blood than most paramedics who don't watch hockey. And I went to a professional exhibition soccer game between Mia Hamm's Washington team and Cindy Parlow's Atlanta team and saw a rookie goalie boot a kick into her own fullback's ass only to have it ricochet backwards into her own goal. She was super humiliated, but to me it was the most hilarious mistake I'd ever seen and the game didn't count anyway.

19: What’s the most delicious food you’ve ever eaten in your life? 
 Um, again with the food? I don't know. A french silk pie was probably right up there near the top, if not the top. Well prepared steak is high up on the list. Good shrimp, good lobster, lobster bisque soup ... certain pizzas ... once or twice I've had an egg drop soup that was super duper awesome. There's probably a few chocolate cakes up there in the list somewhere. I don't know. I'm not super into food.

20: Margarine or butter? Which did you grow up with?
I grew up with the damn US Government telling us that butter was killing us all and that we should switch to margarine instead, and then years later we learn that no, in fact margarine is killing us and butter is actually healthier. Around the same time as the anti-butter crusade was going, our esteemed government 'experts' also said that milk causes cancer and eggs are nothing but cholesterol and should not be eaten. These days, Michelle Obama is going around telling us all what to eat and not eat and ordering schools to change their menus and not offer anything kids will actually eat, so the kids are just not eating and she says this is better for them. It all reminds me of how my dad used to say that you can't trust the government, and that even when they aren't up to no good they are usually incompetent and just flat out wrong. Dad was pretty smart.

What I Like About Meme

So I was blog hopping and found this meme. I stole it from a blog that probably doesn't even know my name because I've never commented there as Emile H. Buttocks, or Epic Fail, either one. But that's OK. I'm stealing it anyway.

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?

I was named after Darren Stevens, on Bewitched. Of course, not his TV name, but his real name - Dick. My parents were mean. No, I'm kidding. No really, they were mean. But my name is not Dick.

Dick

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?

I can't remember. I stopped watching NFL football because the Cowboys owner, Jerry "Dick" Jones, won't leave the coaching to the coaches and stay out of the way, so I don't cry as much anymore after giving up football.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?

I was once an artist, so my handwriting changes with my mood. I'm not a fan of my own writing. I think it has gotten sloppy in this age of keyboards, but when I slow down and pay attention I can pretty much write any way I please.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?

Scarlett Johansson on white bread


Miss Scarlett

  

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?

There's a big source of contention and crying at my house. I'll just leave it at that before this blog turns ugly.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?

It would depend on what sort of other person I was. Judging from the way the attractive women in the gym don't acknowledge me, let alone speak to me, I'd say if I were a hot woman in a gym I would apparently NOT be friends with me. On the other hand, if I were a crazy personal trainer with vast conspiracy theories that I wanted to tell to anyone who would listen, I apparently would be friends with me. And then I would block myself on Facebook for being crazy paranoid.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?

I used to, but lately I find I tend to shout my true feelings at the top of my lungs whenever the situation calls for it. You want to know what I think? I'll TELL you what I think!

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?

I don't know. Let me look. Errrrrrrrrrgh ........ aaaaaaaaaaaaah ...... my cell phone makes a better phone than a mirror, and the flash on my phone camera just sucks, but it does appear that I still do have them, yes.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?

Sure, why not? I have so little to lose. Except weight. I have plenty of weight to lose. Hmm, the combination of the two would seem a poor choice, would it not? Perhaps I would need 2 bungee cords, but yes, I would bungee jump. Preferably off a high bridge in New Zealand, 'cause I saw that on TV and it looked cool ... until the cord broke and the girl fell into the water below. I had momentarily forgotten that this was the reason it was shown on TV in the first place.

Bungeeeeeeeeeeeeee

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?

I am not conscious first thing in the morning, otherwise known as 'breakfast time', which is the only time I general eat cereal.Therefore, I do not have any recollect of what I eat in the form of cereal. I only know that I do and that it comes out of the cabinet nearest the doorway and when a particular cereal box is empty I write the name from the box onto the grocery list and replace it.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?

I do indeed, and often they knot and refuse to untie and I curse and kick them across the room no longer tied, necessarily, but not exactly untied either.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?

Judging from the other guys lifting at the gym I don't appear to be strong, per se, but I don't appear to be weak either. Then again, I haven't lifted in over 6 months ... except a few months ago I did a tiny workout and hurt my back, but that doesn't count. Anyway, I'm average strength for the gym. Some guys are benching small cars. I never did. I never will, either. But I'm not weak. So the answer is .... meh.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?

Anything but strawberry. If it's pink then its ruined and goes in the trash. That's my rule for ice cream. Chocolate, vanilla, any variation of that, as long as it isn't pink with pits in it that crunch. Who wants that?!

Anything but strawberry

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?

Lately the first thing I notice about people is whether or not they use their blinker. I know, I know, this is weird. In the office I'm walking like a zombie, coffee cup in hand (or searching angrily for stolen coffee cup), with lots of problems on my mind. I don't see most of the people around me in the office. Well, except this one girl we call "Snotty Hottie" who used to refuse to even make eye contact with me and seemed to run away from me when I was new. Lately she'll begrudingly smile if I say 'hello' but that's about it. I'm not asking for her to jump into my arms and kiss me. I just would appreciate if she'd acknowledge when I say "good morning" or nod 'hello' without pulling pepper spray out of her purse. So anyway, in the office I'm wrapped up in thought. Before and after the office I'm in traffic, where your failure to use a blinker really pisses me off because it makes life harder for me and more dangerous. So yeah, if you don't use a blinker I often think you are a douchewagon and if you do I sometimes say aloud in the car "thank you," as if you could hear me and are somehow given positive reinforcement for the blinker.

15. RED OR PINK?

It depends on what it is. As soon as I see the word 'pink' I think of women. I don't know why. I'm not a perv (shut up) but pink has come to be associated strongly in this country with only 3 things: women, leftist political movements, and gay men. I ignore the leftist political movements and don't care anything about the gay men, so that only leaves the women. So I guess pink then.

Mmm, pink!

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?

My lack of self confidence. And I am very confident of this.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?

My wife's cat. She moves too quickly for me and I can only throw soft, lightweight things lest I put a hole in the drywall when I miss and hit the wall.

 18. WHAT IS THE TECHNIQUE THAT YOU NEED TO WORK ON THE MOST?

My swimming, because I am still considering doing a triathlon even though I'm now in worse shape than ever before and have no business even thinking about doing a tri. But if I do, I need to work on my swimming so I don't drown myself. I don't want to be buried wearing one of those embarassing triathlon Spandex suits.

Don't bury me in this after I drown

19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?

Black and red and gray. And as it happens that this is Footy Friday I probably should be posting a photo of my feet and shoes today, but I think I'll skip. Anyone else posting photos of your feet for this Footy Friday?

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?

A Dorito chip. True story. Not very exciting, but true.

Now with easy to open packaging!

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?

My coworkers discussing some sort of work-related crisis. They're not on my team so that means I don't have to get involved in that, thank God.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?

Brick red. Every kid starts out drawing a house for one of their first 'advanced' drawings and then they need that brick red crayon to color it in with. There is a time in every child's life when brick red is the most important crayon in the world. I want to be that crayon.

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?

The gym. I have a very, very poor sense of smell, almost non-existant, and the gym is a place where I feel comfortable. It works for me. I can't help it if you think its gross.

24. HOW IMPORTANT ARE YOUR POLITICAL VIEWS TO YOU?

The more I understand about what is going on, the more important they become. There are people in this world who truly believe they have the right to destroy anyone and everyone who dares to disagree with them, and they fully intend to do it. Those who aren't paying attention will be the first to go. The rest of us will be next, unless we can fight back successfully and stop their evil schemes. 

25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE?

Beach house. It's on the beach, out of necessity. Therefore, beach house wins automatically.

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?

Football, used to be. Motorcross, not so much anymore. Hockey, tennis, downhill skiing.

27. HAIR COLOR?

Brown. Or are you asking my favorite hair color? I used to know this girl with the most beautiful auburn hair I've ever seen. It was all natural, too. She was so beautiful.

28. EYE COLOR?

Again, are you asking for mine or my favorite? Mine are brown. My favorite really depends on the girl whose eyes we're talking about.

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?

Nope, Nike

30. FAVORITE FOOD?

Shrimp

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?

Scary happy endings where everyone is laughing for no reason and you're sitting on the couch going "is everyone high? Why are they all laughing? Did I miss a punch line somewhere? Who farted?"

Who farted?

32.. SUMMER OR WINTER?

Summer - I can always swim at the beach, but I haven't had an opportunity to snow ski since college, so winter mostly just sucks for me.

33. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?

Several - I just finished "On Demon Wings" by Karina Halle. I'm working on "Overlay" by Marlayna Glynn Brown and "Sherlock Holmes Volume 1" by Arthur Conan Doyle. I have several others that I have either temporarily stalled on and intend to finish later, or else I haven't started yet, but they are in the stack waiting for me to get to them.

34. FAVORITE GENRE OF MUSIC?

Something heavy with electric guitars and distortion, usually.

35. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?

2391 miles. Were you at all curious as to where I went? Grenada. So now you know.

Grenada

 So anyway, there it is. Would you be willing to do this meme over on your blog? If so, let me know so I can come and read it, too.