The 17 Meme

So much has been happening, but none of it involves me getting any sort of exercise. I'm in awful shape and my knee is complaining about all these weather changes. In light of the fact that I haven't had anything to blog about and haven't had time to visit any blogs either I'm stealing a meme from Julie Maloney.

MEME!The 17 Meme

1. Do you know triplets? 

No, I don't. I know twin girls who grew up across the street from me. They are Swedish supermodels or something like that. Well, they don't model, but they are athletic and smart and good-looking. And their mom hated my guts so I always knew if I ever asked either of them out she'd go berserk and end it before it began.

2. Do you prefer Titanic or The Notebook? 

I don't actually know a single male person who ever read The Notebook. I haven't asked around, but I don't know if I know any guys who saw Titanic either. Those are pretty heavily entrenched in the whole "girl movie" genre.

3. Have you ever eaten Indian food? 

I don't know. I'm trying to think of what qualifies as Indian food versus everything else. I think I ate at an Indian restaurant once, so I guess probably yes, I must have.

4. What’s the name of your favorite restaurant?

There is a Mexican restaurant near my house. The food isn't that great, but they have these custom-carved booths. One of them features a Mayan priest stabbing a woman in the heart in a human sacrifice. They tried to disguise it by painting the dagger to look like a bouquet of flowers, but anyone who knows American history knows whats going on.

5. Who’s your favorite person in the world? 

I don't know. I guess whoever brings me one of those giant checks from the lottery telling me I've won a billion dollars would be high on my list.

6. Would you rather live in a rural area or in the suburbs? 

If I'm in a fun city I like being inside the city where all the fun is. But seeing as I'm not, I lot being as far away from that death alley as I can. I'm out in farm country right now. We don't even have street lights. I can see the stars at night and I really like it that way. It's really cool to be able to look up and see the Milky Way and know that it isn't pollution or clouds, but actual space gases, like a giant galactic fart in the sky. I have never seen that before moving out here.

7. Can you whistle? 

If I stand outside during a tornado and lean forward towards the direction of the winds and open my mouth my butt will whistle a merry little tune.

8. Do you sleep with a nightlight? 

No, I sleep with a pillow and blankets like a normal person.

9. Do you eat breakfast every morning? 

I eat Cheerios mixed with Honey Bunches of Oats and sometimes cut up a banana to throw in with it in milk. I eat this every morning. Every freakin' morning. And also a boiled egg with some orange juice. I'm sure somewhere out there is a dietitian or personal trainer who might read this and say "that's why you're fat and injured all the time!" I don't know. It seems OK to me.

10. Do you take any pills or medication daily?   

I take vitamins. Ever since Obamacare the federal government has been trying to get anyone and everyone who takes government money to tell us to stop taking vitamins, stop getting cancer tests, stop exercising. I don't know, maybe I'm paranoid, but it seems to me like they want us to die early so we don't cost too much money.

11. How many times have you been to the hospital as a patient? 

I played soccer. They have a wheelchair reserved for me at every hospital in the city. Orthopedic surgeons toast my name at their country clubs. A knee surgeon named his yacht after me.

12. Have you ever seen Finding Nemo? 

I haven't seen Nemo in awhile, but last I saw his dad found him and he was safe. Why? Is he missing again?

13. Where do you buy your jeans? 

My last several pair of Levi's tore in some of the most ridiculous of circumstances. So lately I've been going to Tractor Supply and buying Wrangler jeans. So far so good. Brett Favre seems to know what he's talking about.

14. What’s the last compliment you got? 

The more I try to think of the correct answer to this question the more I wonder if I ever even get any compliments. I can't think of any from this year.

15. Do you usually remember your dreams in the morning? 

I had some wild dreams last night. I think I enjoyed them. But I can't remember them to save my life. That's usually how it goes. They usually fade away pretty quickly after I wake up. I wonder why that is?

16. What flavor tea do you enjoy? 

Black coffee. I don't often even encounter tea.

17. What social media sites do you use?

Obviously I'm on Blogger. I have a Twitter account, but I don't log on often. I mostly use it to follow Olympic athletes and people like that who are unlikely to talk with me if I were to log in and reply to their tweets. That's about all.

Meme

What would you choose to be famous for? 
I think it might be nice to be famous for being the richest man in the world currently married to supermodel Marisa Miller. That would be my choice. Or Brooklyn Decker. I'm easy. Whichever one is nicer and easier to get along with.

If you have a webcam, are you ever paranoid people can see you? 
I suppose it's possible, but all any hacker is ever going to see from my webcam is a pile of junk gathering dust and a 100-year-old clock that is most likely showing the wrong time because I've apparently adjusted it slightly too fast and it is just rocketing along. My computer is on my desk and my desk is in a room that was once intended to be attic, but got transformed into a bonus room/attic. So now it has things to do, but only if you can get around all the junk in there.

Do you find it difficult to sleep at night? Any reason(s) why? 
When I hit puberty it hit me back. I suddenly had rampant insomnia. My parents responded to my inability to sleep by beating the crap out of me in the mistaken belief that being beat up would help me sleep. The idea of taking me to a doctor never crossed their minds. Of course, the time I dislocated my ankle and they had to drive for an hour to come get me for the specific purpose of taking me to a hospital somehow also never made it cross their mind to take me to a doctor. They took me home and told me to just 'get over it.' Luckily, that insomnia problem seems to have mostly gone away now. Most  nights I can fall asleep within 15 minutes of laying my head upon  the pillow. Insomnia gone.

If you had to go on a game show, which would you choose? 
I don't know much about modern day game shows, I haven't seen one in years, but one  thing I know for sure is that I would never go on any Japanese game shows. They do truly horrible things to their fellow man just for the fun of it and seem to feel no compassion or remorse whatever. It's a little scary seeing this side of them, but it does give you some idea of why our soldiers during WWII hated them so much.

What about if you had to go on a reality show? 
I only know one and that is "Keeping Up With the Kardashians." I suppose if I say I'd go on that show you'd expect me to say it is because I want to have sex with Kim Kardashian. But the fact is I'd really rather be with Kourtney. Of the three, she seems the least irritating. Granted its a TV show so there is really no telling what, if any, similarity there  is between their TV persona and the real person. Still, I'm sticking  with Kourtney. Their show is the only reality TV show i know anything about.

Which would you choose then?  
I'd choose the reality show. You might win $10,000 on a game show, but you can make millions being a Kardashian.

Tell me about your favorite TV show: 
I hate to say this, but it's summer and we're in reruns for the most part so my favorite show, whatever it is, won't be back for another few weeks. Maybe it was Grimm? Or possibly The Big Bang Theory? No, it is Community! How to describe the show "Community"?? A bunch of screw-ups are going to a community college. The dean is a flaming homosexual, and if you watch the show you know I'm not even exaggerating. If anything I'm understating it. He's a riot. One of the male characters is possibly insane, but mostly harmless. His best friend is a nerd, but he's a bigger nerd. 2 of the female characters are extremely good looking, but never seem to have a date because they're so quirky that no one is sure what to do with them. Chevy Chase plays an old Baby Boomer who is going back to college and doesn't seem to realize that he's not young anymore, so he tries to hit on the good-looking girls, but they hate him. A guy named Chang got the job of security guard and used this lowly position to take over the school, kidnap the dean, replace him with a theater student done up to look just like him, and build an empire. There was an episode that consisted entirely of them in a video game, another which was entirely claymation. There is NOTHING they won't do on that show. It's genius and it is the funniest thing on television. Unfortunately their stupid network executives keep running it opposite "The Big Bang Theory" so no one ever sees it and it has nearly been cancelled several times.

Why were you last irritated? 
Because everyone in traffic today seems to be insane and cranky at the same time.

What time did you get up this morning? 
2 am to pee. 4 am to pee. 6 am to pee, shower, eat breakfast, get dressed and drive to work amongst a sea of insane and cranky people.

The last city you were in: Where was it and do you like it there? 
I went  to Nashville, TN, to see an exhibit at the Frist Center featuring a ton of Art Deco era ultra-rare automobiles. It was really, really cool. If you get a chance to go and see it I highly recommend it. But you'd better hurry. It ends soon.

Do you like the countryside? 
Yes, and at the moment I live there, so it's good that I don't hate it or anything.

If you see someone yawn, do you often yawn as well? 
I normally do. Considering how tired I just said I am you'd think I yawned while writing this, but I didn't. I'm actually too tired to yawn.

Recommend me a good movie: 
Oh hell, normally I have some new movie I just saw that was surprisingly good and yet I don't think most people have seen it. I know I have seen something recently, but I can't think of what. I'll say this, then, if you have Netflix rent the movie "Trucker" with Michelle Monaghan. Don't get all excited thinking  it's going to be the next Star Wars or Lord of the Rings. It's a really quiet indie film. But it caught me by surprise. After that, she did a mystery called "Gone Baby Gone" and it was even better. Then she did "Mission Impossible III," because apparently Tom Cruise realized she kept doing good movies and I guess he wanted some of her magical 'good movie' powers to bless his sequel. If Michelle Monaghan doesn't do it for  you, rent "The Kings Speech." The DVD sitting next to me on the couch right this moment is "Water for Elephants." I haven't seen it yet. You tell me, is it good?

Do you think you’d make a good model? 
A model? Not a role model? Well, I used to do photography and would occasionally seek out models, so I believe I'm pretty good at knowing what to look for in a good subject to photograph. I don't think I'd choose myself as a model for my own photography, so I can't see why anyone else would. My niece is a professional photographer. She often recruits me to photograph her and her family because she trusts my abilities behind the camera. But she has never once asked if she could photograph me. I photograph her all the time. She was a model for a few years. She is Emily Blunt's long lost twin. I'm not joking. I posted a photo I took of my niece together with a photo of Emily Blunt in an identical pose on Facebook and challenged anyone to guess which was which. The only person who knew which was which was her brother, and even he wasn't entirely confident of his choice.

Would you ever want to be one? 
Considering that good models make well over $100,000 before they even reach 18 years of age, while lesser models make nothing and pose simply for the hope of being discovered or even just for the heck of it, no, I see no point in my ever wanting to be a model. No one is ever going to pay me to pose for them.

How often do you change your hairstyle? 
Not often. I try to get women to cut my hair who have definite opinions about what works for me and what doesn't, and who seem to know what  they're talking about. But lately I haven't been able to do that. The last girl quit to go home and raise her babies. She was a beautiful, world-traveling surfer, but she got married and had 2 kids, so I understand her decision. Now I'm just searching. It's OK, though, because as I get  older my hair seems to be changing on its own. I don't know how this works exactly, but it looks different every day. It doesn't matter how I comb it or what I do, it does what it wants. I don't think what it does would qualify as a hair "style" per se, but at least it's hair and it's on my head. That's about all I can say about it.

What does it look like now? 
Depends on its mood. I think it is probably as tired as me so it probably looks tired and flat.

Do you have a favorite day of the week? Which is it? 
If I do it would be something tied to the weekend. Friday requires me to go to work, but then I am free after that and have 2 more days to remain free. That is an important thing because the stress comes first and then goes away, whereas Sunday starts off stress free and then grows increasingly stressful as the day reaches its end and you know you have work tomorrow. Saturday often involves me being told that I have "chores" to do and then getting yelled at for not having done enough of them, which is a lot like being at work. Hmm, I'm going to go with Friday. I might as well get paid for being abused.

Are you alone? 
More than I ever wanted to be.

When is the last time you were on the phone after 2 am? 
I think it was over a year ago. Does anyone reading this remember a blogger named JLee? She used to comment on Fingers "Whine Guide" blog. We used to talk on the telephone for hours. I miss that.

Meme Monday

Stole it from Momspective, as usual. Thanks Momspective!

MEME!

Do you prefer a lot of ice in your drinks or just a little bit of ice? 
It depends on what drink. If it's water I use tons of ice. Coke and only a little ice. Beer I like frozen almost solid so that it forms its own ice.

Which condiment (ketchup, mustard, etc.) do you use the most of? 
Used to be I was a ketchup using fool. But these days with my bringing my own lunch to work and making the exact same sandwich almost every day, I am now a Mustard Machine.

Does war scare you? 
I've  never been to war so I can bravely say 'no, it doesn't.' But if I were to suddenly find myself on a battlefield with people shooting at me I believe I'd change my answer. And my shorts.

Do you know any songs that are older than you are? 
Do I know them how? Like as friends? I know several musicians who are older than me and they have written some songs. There are tons and tons of songs older than me. Many of them were written by men high on drugs and the drugs are older than me, too.

Are you comfortable sharing drinks with your friends? 
It depends on the friend. If she's hot, I'll share anything she wants. If its a guy, not so much. Also it depends on the drink. Certain alcoholic drinks are powerful enough to kill anything, so you can share it with a stray dog if you want and it won't hurt you any more than it would have already.

What season were you born in? 
Football season.

Have you ever spent over $100.00 on an article of clothing? What was it? 
I have. It was a heavily insulated winter coat. I still have it. And it's ugly as sin.

Do you think you’re too hard on yourself sometimes? 
Sometimes I beat myself to a pulp. Other times I let myself off too easily. Who knows where the perfect balance lies? Lays? Lies. Is.

What pizza place do you usually order from? 
I used to be a big Papa Johns fanatic, but once I moved out from town I no longer live near any Papa Johns restaurants. So now I drive into town and pick it up from Pizza Hut.

Honestly, have you ever mooned or flashed somebody? 
Honestly, yes and yes.

Do you have a least favorite color? 
I'm no fan of pale pink. It reminds me of vomit. And it also makes me want to vomit. This is a bad combination.

Honestly, have you ever written something on a bathroom stall?
When I was in the 2nd grade I had already learned every cuss word there was to know courtesy of my older brother. Unfortunately what I didn't know was how to spell those words. My attempts to write them onto the bathroom wall were somewhat less than spectacular as a result.

Who do you consider to be the king of pop? 
Robin Scott, the musician allegedly responsible for the song "Pop Muzik" in the '80s.

Do you know all of the words to any childrens song? 
I was once a child, so yes.


Can you name 3 purple foods? 
I'd have to steal Julie's answer or else start picking apart my salad and trying to figure out what some of those things in there are. They're purple and I don't eat them. I think they're some sort of onion.


When was the last time you made a pinkie promise? 
I'm a guy. I've never known any guy to make a pinkie promise, ever.


What celebrity do you wish would have a big comeback? 
Traci Lords


Do you think your parents know things about you that you don’t want them to? 
I'm sure they did, but now they're so old they don't know what they know anymore


Have you ever walked into a spider web? 
Yesterday while searching for a lost cat. That was a big M-Fin' spider, too.


What grocery store do you usually get your food from? 
Kroger, although if they shrink the packaging any further on their stuff I'm going to have to dump them.


What would be your happily ever after? 
Me and Heidi Klum and our kids living on our private island off the coast of Australia after I won the biggest lottery ever


When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people? 
Does yelling at some jackass in rush hour traffic count? This morning.


Who is the worst driver you know? 
Ora Mae Hakanson will forever hold that title with me and everyone who ever knew her. That woman was a terrifyingly bad driver before she got old, and she never got any better over time. The fact that she never died in a horrific car crash or ran anybody over is all the proof any atheist should ever need that there is a God and sometimes he protects people for reasons that only he understands.


How about the best driver? 
Ben Collins replied to an email I sent him last month so does that count as knowing him? If so then he is the best driver I know. He was The Stig and it doesn't get much better for driving than The Stig.


Are you shorter or taller than most of your friends? 
I don't know. I never really thought about this. I'm 6 feet tall. Does that tell you anything in relation to this question? I guess it'd depend on whether most of my friends are male or female maybe.


Do you know anybody who was born on a holiday? 
I know several people who were CONCEIVED on a holiday. Is that close enough?


What is one thing you really don’t like sharing? 
Toothbrushes


Have you ever been hit on through text message? 
Not that I can recall. But there are only a handful of people who ever text me, and most of them are female and hotter than me.


What was the last junk food you ate? 
Today was a bring-your-favorite-desert day at work, oddly enough, so I ate a ton of junk today. I think the last junk I ate was a piece of chocolate pie. It was good, but after all the other stuff I was so high on sugar my head was spinning.


Do you prefer sweet or sour candy? 
Depends on my mood and which candy. But usually I prefer sweet.


What was the last alcoholic beverage you consumed? 
Probably a beer my neighbor handed me last time I was over at this house. I can't remember. I only drink on social occasions. Or if I'm getting sick I'll do a shot of something strong, but it's honest-to-God for medicinal purposes. And it works, too. Jager cures the common cold. So does Scotch, Whiskey or Bourbon.


Currently waiting on something/someone? 
I'm waiting on a miracle.


What was the last thing you watched on television? 
Mr Jones starring Richard Gere and Lena Olin. I had never seen her before, but she was really hot. And apparently she's done a ton of movies. I just never saw any of them.


How old will you be in 12 months? 
12 months older than I am now.


Do you sleep naked? 
I'm always naked under my clothes. But aside from that, no.


Have you ever held hands with someone in a car? 
Probably


Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette? 
Sure, that'd be easy.


What do you say during awkward silences? 
Nothing. That's what makes the silence.


When will you next see the last person you texted? 
There's no guarantee we'll ever see each other again. We haven' seen each other in about a year now.


Honestly, when is the last time you have been to Texas?
6 years ago maybe. I was sent to the Dallas/Ft Worth area for work. They made me travel all around both cities in a kind of very large loop over the course of a week. While I was there I met up with a blogger. It was kind of fun.

The Weird Question Meme, part II

If this were Wordless Wednesday ...

Setting aside the fact that I never did The Weird Question Meme part I, here is a lovely meme that I stole from Momspective. Hey, don't hate on me for following mom blogs. Most of the blogs out there are mom blogs and some of them are really, really funny.

What is your ring size?

I have no clue, but my wedding ring was slightly too large when I got married and these days it's so tight that I hardly ever wear it. Yes, I know, why not just get it resized, you say. Well, mostly because I'm too lazy.

How often do you wear jewelry?

Considering that my wedding ring is the only jewelry I ever wore, aside from a wristwatch, and I hardly wear my ring anymore, and never wear my wristwatch, I'd have to say 'never'. Also, I hate wearing jewelry in general. If you gave me a $10,000 Rolex watch I'd still almost never wear it. I just don't like wearing jewelry.

When was the last time you consumed alcohol?  

I cannot remember, and that tells you absolutely nothing, really, because my neighbor is a DJ on a beer brewers radio program and regularly hands me strange cans and bottles of various unusual alcoholic beverages to try. One time I was in the middle of mowing my lawn when he suddenly appeared with a bottle and handed it to me. I drank it, of course, but it made finishing the mowing really awkward because my mower doesn't have cup holders.  Anyway, all I've really learned from all this alcoholic experimentation is that I do not like pale ales from India. Blech.

Any big plans for the summer?

I plan to put up with a ridiculous amount of abuse from pricks who don't know what the hell they're looking for, apparently. And that is my summer plan in a nutshell. So excited.

Oh Lord, I've just forgotten. What did I come in here for again?

What is your favorite comfort food?

This is where, in my former life, I would have answered 'Jessica Biel.' But this is a new life and I shall not resort to that. Although, to be fair, I would love to ... no, no, we aren't going down that road. My favorite comfort food is probably a cup of ice cream. Or maybe a pizza. Or even a bowl of cereal, depending on my mood. If I feel truly horrible, a good old-fashioned bowl of Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup is the only thing I crave. But that's for when I'm sick.

Do you prefer broccoli or asparagus?

I don't believe I've ever intentionally eaten asparagus in my entire life. So I suppose that just leaves broccoli.

What color are your bedroom walls?

I have no idea. Some sort of palish yellow, I believe. I didn't paint that room. I do recall being asked to choose the color at some point and I probably had something to do with the final choice, but I have  no memory of it.

With whom do you live?

A woman and 2 cats. And various insects that the stupid cats bring in riding on their thick fur. Mostly ticks. Oh, and apparently I've been providing a lovely feast to rodents in the attic in the form of rat poison that I left in a big tray months ago. There are three trays up there, all empty. I put each one down after discovering the previous one totally empty. This means that either the poison doesn't work and the rodents love the hell out of it, or else I have poisoned an entire village of rodents and hopefully they are leaving the attic at the first sign of illness and dying somewhere outside in the woods. I'd hate to think they're in our walls. Something about the thought of that makes me think of the movie "Poltergeist." Imagine how different that movie would have been if the house were built on a graveyard of old dead mice instead of humans. Yeah, kind of changes things a bit. Instead of little Drew Barrymore watching the TV screen and saying "they're here" it'd be my cats sitting patiently, staring at the digital snow and meowing that mice ghosts are coming. I'm not sure if mice ghosts scare me or not.

Which Star Wars movie is your favorite?

Whichever one features Carrie Fisher in a metal bikini, or Natalie Portman in a sprayed on white bodysuit, but not the one with Jar Jar Binks. He was really, really annoying. Can I break this into the 2 different eras of Star Wars movies and say that as a kid it was the one with Carrie Fisher in a metal bikini and as a grown man it was the one with Natalie Portman wearing an oddly revealing white bodysuit and that both my child-self and my adult-self hate Jar Jar Binks roughly equally? Me so hate him.

I see pervy people!

How about Harry Potter?

I watched all of them and I don't really have a favorite. I thought they were all pretty well done. And I say that as someone who has read all the books. What I find most interesting, though, is the raging fascination that emerged with Emma Watson, the actress who played Hermoine, and the vast numbers of men searching the internet for photos of her panties or an accidentally released boob or just anything even remotely sexy involving her. It's fortunate that she did turn out to be moderately attractive in adulthood because I think there might have been rioting if she hadn't. Of course, no sooner did Emma Watson turn 18 than Pippa Middleton's bottom emerged during her older sister's wedding and suddenly all eyes turned from  Emma's panties to Pippa's buttocks and all bets were off. I'll bet this wreaked havoc on the databases at Google when it occurred. And then some paparazzi perv snapped nude photos of Kate Middleton changing clothes and ... what were we originally talking about, anyway?

What was the last movie you saw in theaters?

Superman. Or, er, uh, Man of Steel. Which is the same thing. It was OK. The fight scenes were a bit chaotic and hard to follow. I mean, when everyone is super strong and super fast and each punch sends someone flying through several buildings there comes a point where you just go, "yeah, OK, so you are hitting each other really, really hard. I get it."

Did you get the popcorn or candy?

No, I don't do that anymore. If you get the popcorn, then you need something to drink with it. And if you get something to drink with it, especially in this age of 2 1/2 hour movies, you're going to be getting up and going to pee in the middle of the movie. It's funny that theaters make most of their money from sales of popcorn and Coke because the emergence of the extra long movies kind of interferes with that.

What is the most romantic text in your inbox?

"That suuuuuuuuucks!"

Have you ever played miniature golf on a date?

Yes, and I don't recommend it unless you are not particularly competitive and are prepared to take absolutely none of it seriously at all. We cheated like hell and still I was bad at it.

What’s a phrase you overuse?

"Did your car not come with any blinkers or is your cell phone somehow preventing you from using them, you idiot?"

Do you always use good grammar?

Well, I don't intentionally talk stupid, but sometimes I find it necessary to adopt the speaking habits of the people around me, such as if I'm trying not to get robbed downtown at 2 am or if I'm at the farmer's co-op and don't want to get run off for sounding too much like a yankee.

Do you have an accent or a speech impediment?

I have a perfect Dutch accent. I'm not Dutch and I've never been to Holland, but I'm a big fan of blonde-haired, blue-eyed women with high cheek bones and perfect teeth so I long ago learned to speak as if I were from their homeland. Perhaps one day if I ever meet a Dutch woman she'll be impressed. In the meantime, I live in the Southern United States and people just think it's weird.

What did you eat today?

Protein shake, a ham sandwich, some beef and a piece of cornbread.

What do you do at work?

Currently I mostly put up with a-holes.

Do you know the rules to any sports?

I've played enough of them for years and years that I should  hope I do. I was even a line judge for a soccer league for a season. Sometimes I thought the coaches didn't know the rules, but I certainly knew them well enough.

Sometimes watching from the stands is OK

Do you prefer to watch or play sports?

It depends on which sport. I played basketball for years, so watching meant I was on the bench, which was a bad thing. I never learned to enjoy watching basketball. Soccer was the same way. I almost  never watch soccer or basketball. I like to watch football and hockey, though.

What is your favorite kind of hat to wear?

My favorite kind of hat to wear is my big, floppy beach hat because if I'm wearing it that means I'm at the beach. It's a dorky looking hat, or perhaps it's more accurate to say that I look dorky in it, but I don't care as long as I'm at the beach.

Do you pray?

Sometimes. Not as much as I used to. I don't know what to say anymore.

To whom do you pray?

There's this guy named Jehovah. I generally only ever pray to him.

What is the closest mountain to your house?

There is nothing even remotely resembling a mountain anywhere near my house.

What size engine is in your vehicle?

Which vehicle? Since you didn't specify I'll just list them all from smallest to largest - 2.4 liter, 3.8 liter, 5.7 liter, 5.8 liter, 6.4 liter, and finally my baby, with a 7.0 liter high compression, forged steel crank, mega cam, oval port, tire roasting machine.

What do you need to do tomorrow?

Pick myself up, dust myself off and start all over again

Stolen Half a Meme

My last post updating the situation with the new gym didn't exactly inspire a lot of interest from anyone at all, so I'm dropping the post I was going to do today and doing this half-a-meme that I stole from Julie at Momspective.

38: How did you spend Valentines day?

I spent my Valentine's Day trading Valentine's with my significant other. And then we ate and drank and watched TV and agreed that we were going out on Saturday night instead of the Thursday night that Valentine's Day actually fell on because A) everyone else was out that night B) we were already tired and C) we had to be at work the next day and didn't want to go to the office smelling like genitalia and alcohol.

39: Do you eat enough vegetables?

No, but I watch a lot of vegetables on TV doing the network news. I mostly try to make up for my lack of vegetables with meat. If I shape a pound of hamburger like an apple I count it as being an apple. Same with carrots or celery - shape some hamburger like a carrot and it counts. Works for me.

Horror movies - Blah blah blah!

40: Do you like horror movies? How about thrillers?

Sure, I like horror movies if they're well done. I don't like really lame horror movies that aren't trying to be lame and don't seem to realize how lame they are. Or, if they do realize they are lame and make it into a joke then that's fine, too. I remember one time at a party we were all slightly inebriated and one of the Friday the 13th movies came on, so we all stood around the bar drinking and shouting at the movie. That was a blast.

Thrillers are a lot more fun to me than horror movies, but again, they have to be well done. Just having action for actions' sake, or a constant tension which doesn't seem to really lead anywhere unexpected can be tiresome. I'm thinking of a lame thriller I saw the other night, but the title is escaping me just now. A good thriller has to make you care that the protagonists are stressed. If you don't like them or care then you find yourself hoping they die and the movie ends. That's no good.

41: Do you like scotch?

Sure, I have a bottle of Glenleven, or however you spell it, in my cabinet and I like it just fine. I don't guzzle it or suck it through a funnel or anything, but I like it.

42: Who is someone you would never swear in front of?

Jesus, and by Jesus I don't mean the Mexican guy who repaired my roof a year or so ago. I'm talking about the Jesus who turned water into wine and then walked on water which technically he could also have turned into wine but probably didn't because it would have been murder for all the fish. Not that I think he'd strike me with lightning or anything, but probably he wouldn't be too thrilled to hear it.

43: Coolest thing you’ve ever seen on Halloween?

Jamie Lee Curtis fighting off Michael Myers after he'd killed her naked friend in a hot tub. Everyone wore really high-waisted paints in that movie, which was the style at the time, apparently.

44: If you could change your natural hair color, would you? To what?

I can't really imagine that changing my natural hair color would have all that much of an impact on my life except to make people avoid me or otherwise mistreat me for looking weird. I don't think I'd look quite right if I were suddenly blonde or auburn-haired. If I went jet black it would shock people, but not impress them. If I went flaming red then I'd just be a ginger and nobody really wants to see that. Honestly, I can't see how this would benefit me.

Photographing models - easier to screw up than you might think

45: What subject would you take if you were forced to take a free class?

Photography 201 - models. I used to be really into photography and I shot a lot of photos of people, but there are things about shooting models that are specific to that area of photography. I stumbled around a lot trying to figure those things out on my own and it would sure be nice to just take the class I skipped and get all the info in one shot rather than wasting some girl's time and then having her look at the photos and think you're a freak who just wanted to get her alone like a serial killer, but don't really know what you're doing. That's embarrassing.

By the way, never tell a girl that you're a photographer and have shot models and then try to prove it by taking her photo using your Blackberry. Those things have the worst cameras known to man and I don't know exactly why. You can't take a good photo of a person with those phones. It always looks awful and then, again, they think you're lying and probably a serial killer.

46: Do you use a reusable grocery bags?

Never. I have 2 cats and I need those crummy grocery bags to scoop the poop into. Have you noticed how cheap WalMart's disposable bags are? Every single one of them already has holes in the bottom by the time you get it home. That makes them all useless for cat litter because it leaks out and pours all over the floor. Stupid Walmart.

47: City or nature person?

Depends on what I'm doing. If I'm riding a motorcycle down a trail I'm a nature person. Except I don't like when deer run across the trail and nearly decapitate me. Not that they enjoyed it so much either. If I'm looking to buy something I prefer the city because there are more stores and they have to compete and their prices tend to be lower. 

Makeup - can only do so much about your face

48: Have you ever used something other than “makeup” as makeup? (Like paint? Markers?)

I don't use makeup. For Halloween I usually buy some mask that includes all the details already so I don't need makeup on my face. One lesson I learned from that is that if you're going to a Halloween party it is a bad idea to wear a mask that covers your entire face. You can't have a conversation with your mouth covered and you can't see well and generally communicating with your friends is hard. And you can't eat or drink anything. 

49: Do heights bother you? Can look look out the window on the top floor of a skyscraper?

Heights don't bother me any more than a normal average person. I'm not comfortable standing right on the very edge of a 1,000 foot cliff leaning over, but I don't mind going up and looking over from a few inches from the edge. I didn't know that my brother was afraid of heights until we worked together at a company that wanted him to get in a 'bucket' and be lifted up onto the roof of a metal robot cell we were constructing and he wouldn't do it. He said he was afraid of heights and absolutely did not want to be lifted up in the bucket truck. I thought he was crazy and went and jumped into the bucket and they lifted me up there. It was fun. 

50: Post 5 awesome things about your blog. BRAG AWAY!

1) It's mine so no one else can stop me from posting whatever I want

2) No one reads it

3) #2 is not very awesome, but it's true

4) I am glad for the few people who do read it and especially the ones who leave comments and talk to me.

5) I fully intended for my blog to be rather clean and mostly G or PG, but I couldn't get the URL omgfml.blogspot.com and I couldn't get OhMyGodFML.blogspot.com either, so all that was left was the one that I got, which of course has the F-word right in it. Oh well.

The Basically Obscure Meme

It’s that time again, Thursday, where I steal a meme from Julie Maloney and try to act like it's my own original creation. Well, except for me telling you right off the top that I stole it from Julie Maloney. Speaking of Julie, she's got a funny blog and you should check it out sometime. Anyway, here is my latest meme, because I haven't been to the gym in months and other than a visit to the vampire, er, doctor to have a bunch of blood drawn and tested I don't really have any news to blog about ...

We need to take some blood for ... uh... medical purposes

1: Do you notice a persons eye color?
 Not usually. I mean, unless they have really striking eyes or they are up in my face making intense eye contact, I don't. I have even had girls kiss me and I didn't register their eye color. I guess I'm probably more of a boob man.

Sorry, did I say that out loud?

What color are her eyes?

2: White, milk, or dark chocolate mocha?
Hmm,  a chocolate question ... uh ... I like white chocolate. I have a Zero candy bar sitting on top of the refrigerator that has been there for weeks. I like milk chocolate, too. Somewhere up there is a Hershey bar next to the Zero bar. I'm not as big a fan of dark chocolate, but I'll eat it. But as far as all of this relating to a mocha, I'm not a mocha drinker. First of all, I don't know where around here I'd get one. Second of all, not having been to the gym in months I really shouldn't be drinking those in the first place. I take my coffee black, without all the creme and calories and sugary stuff.

3: If you could get a tattoo free, would you do it? what would it be?
I don't think the price of the tattoo is really the issue here. I used to be an artist and a lot of my friends were artists, too. One of them took his art to a tattoo parlor to sell and, mostly, to meet hot girls who were into tattoos and wild kinky sex. It actually paid off for him, I think, but more in the kinky sex department than the money for his art. Anyway, if something meant a lot to me, REALLY meant a lot, then I might get a very personal tattoo relating to it. Most tattoos are personal to the person wearing it. But so far I have never felt the urge to do that. I have a friend back in my hometown who moved from Minnesota down to Alabama. She's a bartender. She arrived beautiful and tattoo-free. In the course of 2 short years she totally covered her entire remarkable Playboy body in ink. She said it was something she'd always wanted to do. Perhaps if I had more friends like her, more friends with ink, it might be something of importance to me. But because I don't .... eh, not likely.

4: Did you grow up in a small or big town? Did you like it?
 I grew up in a town that was considered a moderate size, not big and not small, and it was primarily a government town with lots of people having security clearances and getting paid only OK money for work that required high intelligence. Today it has all switched around and the government hires and promotes based on sex and race and other factors having nothing to do with qualifications. The pay is twice what anyone makes in the free market and many joke about not really doing any work. But the legacy of high IQ families moving there for top secret jobs has created a community of highly intelligent individuals all living and working together. It's a great place, overall, and I wish I still lived there.

5: Your favorite adult as a child? (and not your parents, if they were your favorite)
As a child? How small of a child? When I was really little I'd say Mister Rogers was my favorite adult. He never got mad or yelled at me or made me feel bad about myself. When I was beginning to outgrow Mister Rogers I'd say it was Mister King, the man who called and asked if I wanted to play basketball on a team he was coaching. I said I'd give it a try. That was the start of my involvement in athletics. If not for him, I don't know where I would have ended up, but when I look at the path my older brother chose, not having sports in his life or a coach to help direct him, I thank God for Mister King and basketball.

6: What kind of smoothie sounds really good right now?
 Uh, this meme was written by a woman for other women, I'm thinking. All these questions about food. I don't know. I'm not a big smoothie person. The last smoothie I had was a very expensive protein smoothie. I didn't drink it for the smoothie part. I drank it for the 30 grams of protein it held. Not that it wasn't good. It's just that 'good' wasn't the point.

7: Most embarrassing moment from your elementary school years?
I remember the day I introduced my best friend's sister to the concept of Captain Underwear. I was still young enough to think it funny to strip to my underwear and run around the back yard pretending to fly like Superman while yelling "Caaaaaaptaaaaaaain Uuuuuuuunderweaaaaaaaaar!" But when I showed my best friend's twin younger sisters, suddenly I realized it was embarrassing to be in my underpants in front of girls. And also I think maybe they thought I was an idiot.  

Captain Underwear

8: Most embarrassing moment from your middle school years?
Pretty much every single moment from the first day of 6th grade until the last day of 8th grade was one endless humiliation. One that stands out was when a bunch of boys were chasing Adrienne Kump around the room trying to snap her bra. She was laughing, but they couldn't catch her. She ran up to me and stopped with her back to me. So I stood up from my desk and popped it. Suddenly she was mad and tried to kick me in the crotch. I caught her foot and briefly considered flipping her onto her head. But I had a massive crush on her and didn't want to actually hurt her, so I didn't. Still, the fact that she was fine with every other boy popping her bra and so angry when I did it that she would do something as horrible as that to me, even though she failed, absolutely crushed me. I spent the rest of middle school an emotional wreck after that and barely talked to girls at all. Ironically, in 9th grade she and I had a class together and she seemed interested in me. But I wasn't having anything to do with her.

9: Most embarrassing moment from your high school years?
Probably when I took a girl to a sorority dance and actually tried to dance. I was awful. That was probably only slightly less embarrassing than when I got both braces and a new girlfriend around the same time and I tried to kiss her for the first time. That did not go well at all. She dumped me not long after that when I made an excuse not to go to a dance. Between my bad braces kisses and my inability to dance I guess I was just too much of a loser for her.

10: Have you ever fired anyone?
Yes, I fired my personal trainer after he became so insistent on telling me his conspiracy theories that it started interfering with training me. Also, he started working out with me, having me spot him and generally serve as his workout partner. It reached a point where I wasn't sure what I was paying him for, but I wasn't getting the results I needed and he was driving me insane with all the crazy. After that I fired my doctor when I told him about working out with a trainer for a year and a half, plus tracking my diet and keeping my calories to an average of 2100 per day and yet losing exactly 0 pounds. He called me a liar and insisted that was impossible. But what he didn't do was conduct any tests to see if something was wrong, such as my thyroid. I enjoyed firing my doctor. It was very satisfying. And I think I may have been the first patient he ever had to say "you're fired" to him judging from his reaction.

11: Have you ever climbed a tree more than twenty feet off the ground? 
Oh hell yes. Once I moved beyond the Captain Underwear phase, my friend and his sisters and I used to climb every tree in the neighborhood. Some of them were enormous and we'd compete to see who could get to the highest point in the tree. We didn't stop climbing until the tree top was bending with our weight and we didn't feel safe going any further up. Climbing down was the hardest part. Up was easy in comparison.  I don't think our parents had any clue we did this, although at the time it never occurred to me what a terrifying thing it would be for a parent to see their kids 4 stories high clinging to a tree as the top began to bend with their weight and the wind blew the tree back and forth. We thought it was a blast. These days, in the age of helicopter parenting, I don't see any of my neighbors kids climbing anything. It's very strange how different our childhoods were from the kids of today. I don't envy kids these days or their electronic worlds.

You didn't have a childhood if you never did this 

12: Did you like swinging as a child? Do you still get excited when you see a swing set?
I loved to swing as a child. My dad, ever the money saver, built our swing set out of enormous square blocks of wood, steel tension cables, and chains. We had the tallest swing set in the neighborhood and the largest backyard. The taller the swing set, the higher you can swing in it, and we took full advantage. The greatest fun was seeing how high you could swing and then jumping out at the peak, flying through the air and landing in the grass. My dad had a swing of his own, a porch swing. He even had our back porch built just so he'd have a good place to put his swing. Every day after work he'd go out back and sit in his porch swing and just swing back and forth, relaxing from the work day and thinking. Sometimes I'd go out there and swing with him, both of us sitting side-by-side, and talking and swinging. These days if I see a porch swing I think of my dad and the fact that I'll never get to sit and swing and talk to him again.

13: If you could have any pet in the world, illegal or not, what would you get? 
 Megan Fox. Seriously, a man would have to be a fool not to choose this.

Fox

14: What’s your favorite place to relax? 
It occurs to me just now that I don't really have a favorite place to relax. This is probably a bad thing. I have a front and back porch on my house, and sometimes we sit out there. But I'm never alone and just relaxing. I don't know that I have a place that I can go and just be alone and relax.

15: What’s your most favorite part of your personality? 
Um .... my shamelessly snarky personality? My willingness to open my mouth and make my thoughts known, come hell or high water? My excellent vocabulary? I don't know.

16: Madonna or Lady Gaga? Neither? Both?
Both are irrelevant. At least Lady Gaga seems to realize how irrelevant she is and doesn't take herself too seriously, but Madonna seems totally put out by the fact that Lady Gaga has come along and shamelessly stolen her old act.

Who even cares which one this is?

17: Have you ever watched the Superbowl all the way through?
I've watched many Superbowls all the way through. I'm a Cowboys fan and have been since I was little. I used to have a reason to watch Superbowls, back in the days when Dallas was a good team. These days, with Jerry Jones imagining himself a football genius, I usually skip the Superbowl. I guess after Jerry Jones dies I might watch it again, if Dallas gets a new owner who stays out of the way. I still remember Tom Landry.

18: Have you ever watched any major sporting event live?
I've been to an Atlanta Falcons game where the San Francisco 49ers and Joe Montana stomped them into the ground without mercy. I've been to AA baseball games where Jose Canseco and Mark McGwire, still relative unknowns, would strut out to the plate, enormously outsized in comparison to all the other players, and crush the baseball out of the park. We knew they must be juicing because their upperbodies were ridiculously huge compared to all the other players, especially Canseco's, but we didn't care. They were amazing to watch. I've been to an Alabama college football game where they stomped Louisiana Tech into the ground. I've been to an Auburn college football game where they stomped Temple University into the ground. I've been to lots and lots and lots of hockey games and seen more blood than most paramedics who don't watch hockey. And I went to a professional exhibition soccer game between Mia Hamm's Washington team and Cindy Parlow's Atlanta team and saw a rookie goalie boot a kick into her own fullback's ass only to have it ricochet backwards into her own goal. She was super humiliated, but to me it was the most hilarious mistake I'd ever seen and the game didn't count anyway.

19: What’s the most delicious food you’ve ever eaten in your life? 
 Um, again with the food? I don't know. A french silk pie was probably right up there near the top, if not the top. Well prepared steak is high up on the list. Good shrimp, good lobster, lobster bisque soup ... certain pizzas ... once or twice I've had an egg drop soup that was super duper awesome. There's probably a few chocolate cakes up there in the list somewhere. I don't know. I'm not super into food.

20: Margarine or butter? Which did you grow up with?
I grew up with the damn US Government telling us that butter was killing us all and that we should switch to margarine instead, and then years later we learn that no, in fact margarine is killing us and butter is actually healthier. Around the same time as the anti-butter crusade was going, our esteemed government 'experts' also said that milk causes cancer and eggs are nothing but cholesterol and should not be eaten. These days, Michelle Obama is going around telling us all what to eat and not eat and ordering schools to change their menus and not offer anything kids will actually eat, so the kids are just not eating and she says this is better for them. It all reminds me of how my dad used to say that you can't trust the government, and that even when they aren't up to no good they are usually incompetent and just flat out wrong. Dad was pretty smart.